Day two

465474Today is day two if my separation from my wife. It’s been so mixed for me.
Part of me feels a little relief from the constant pain. As most do, I feel completely to blame for everything that happened between us. Seeing my wife was a constant reminder that I fucked up in so many ways…
The second part of me feels like ass. It’s been two days and it feels like two months!! Last night I cried myself to sleep. And it was a horrible sleep at best, maybe a few hours. I kept waking up in sweats.

Anyway, today was a busy day. I had three appointments. Combined with mental issues, I also have health issues. Do generative disks, bulging disks, outta place disks, etc.
#1 chiropractor. Cracked the hell outta me. I think this is the first time in months I’m not in constant pain. Yay me…

#2 was my medical doctor. Told him about the side effects I was having on lexapro. Loss of ambition.
Keeping me from committing suicide, but still felt so low that my balls were dragging in gravel. Lol
And the near complete loss of sexual fulfillment. I felt very sexual but got zero relief.
I also suffer from adhd. Gotta love the human mind…
So his new recommendation is a new drug that got fda approval last summer. It’s called Fetzima. I included a link for anyone interested.
Supposedly it’s a newer version of lexapro. Works on the same premise, but with fractional side effects. No recorded sexual side effects. Energy stimulant, so take in the morning. I just took it, so I’ll see how it goes. I read some people have changes within a few days to a week. My doctor was involved in helping the clinical trials.

#3 therapist time.
She was a bit worried with all my huge changes in the last few weeks. But was encouraging about how I was handling things.
Sometimes we want a therapist to just plain tell us what we did wrong and how to fix it. NOW…
But sadly it doesn’t work like that. The next big step she recommended was to get outta the house and do something. Best thing for bipolar people is to volunteer your time. Helping others makes people feel better.
I know I feel like shit. I hate myself. I think that if I can help enough people, that maybe I can start to see my own self worth??

My mind is racing with ideas. Thoughts about things I want to write. But at the same time my ambition level is .03

Guess I’ll do my normal. Have some alcohol. Watch some movies. Read some of my new book. And then slowly come back and write again…

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