Day Three

depression1Well its gotten to day three and I’ve not hurt myself yet. I’d say I’m not doing too bad then.
I’ve been off work since last Saturday and finally had to go back this morning. I hate work. I wish ss would pay enough for bipolar to actually pay bills.
Work went ok, but getting ready for work was a challenge. It’s the 1st day back to work living away from my home. I hate that i screwed up my marriage. But i made it through the day.
I actually went to the store and bought some food. And ate something. ..i haven’t eaten since Monday anything other than a few handfuls of cereal an some crackers. When I’m depressed the appetite goes in the crapper.

I do have one good thing to report. Last night and this morning was my second dosage of taking my new med replacement. It’s called Fetzima. I’m shocked to say that in two times taking it i feel a marked improvement.
On lexapro i had near zero ambition. near complete loss of sexual fulfillment. And was pretty overall cloudy mentally.

Well i felt a bit buzzy today. Might be just a touch higher than I’d like it to be…not quite into a mania, but close. I nearly ran around work. Talked faster than shit. But i think that’s as far as it went. As far as sex, we’ll I’m moved out of my home away from my wife so i can’t exactly test that…and while i was attracted to about every woman i saw today i chose not to act on anything. Lastly mentally, i just plain felt better. I could think clearer. Everything seemed easier to understand. I had some grand ideas about how to make some things better…

Shit…is it bad that as I’m writing this down and proof reading what I’m saying…i think I’m going up a lot higher than i want to be…

I hope the pills settle down before i swing up too far, I’d hate to see where I’d end up now. I’m a bit scared. I know what I’ve done in the past. Drugs, random sex with women that i can’t remember names, what they looked like, or where i was…not having to answer to anyone right now could end up bad.

Damn i hate being me sometimes. I can’t even feel good without feeling scared or ashamed. At this point I’m not even sure what is a good mood/day and a beginning of an episode. Such bullshit.

Oh well, such is life. Time again for some random movies to drown out my mind. While watching TV is a horrible thing to do, it slows down my mind and drowns out the voices an thoughts going on in my head. I revert back to adhd an hyper focus.  😉

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2 responses to “Day Three

  1. Keep going at it my friend. Days like this suck suck, but like woody said ‘you got a friend in me’. keep posting, writing it out, and you will feel better. Change is coming…right?!

    Like

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