Today was an interesting day. So much ambition. So much going. So many tears. So much pain…
Every time I sit down to write, I feel a little bit more heart broken. Seeing my own thoughts, I know how much pain I’ve caused everyone. Every night I lay down in bed, it’s another night by myself. Without my wife. Without my children.
I’ve been ramping up my sleeping pills at night just so I can get some rest. Crying myself to sleep every night is getting exhausting.
What a mess, as I’m feeling better I also feel stabbed in the heart. Today was a nice day, but I can’t stop crying. Wtf?
Anyway, I had to drive half an hour just to pick up my meds today. And it’s my fault. I got called last Wednesday. Called last Thursday. Texted Friday and Saturday. My mind says, it’s fine I’ll just pick it up later. Well, I forgot I wasn’t gonna be home so I had to drive back an get it.
While I was there, I had to wait for one of my other ones, so I decided just to wait in my car. Being bored, I sent my wife a message saying how I had to drive back an grab that…she says, you should stop bye….
So I got to see everyone.
I walk in the door and my puppies go nuts. Climbing all over me. They were so happy to see me. After they got over the excitement, I said hi to my wife. She grabbed me and held me so tight. As usual, I was crying again. Seems to be the norm for me now. Tears in her eyes is what started mine. We both cried for a bit, the it was time to see my kids.
I saw my son first. He was so happy to see me, ran up an gave me a big hug. I knelt down an held him close. I could feel him also crying. My wife told me he’s been crying all week. Didn’t want to eat. Didn’t wanna come out of his room. We talked for a few, then I wanted to go see my daughter.
I knocked on the door, because she’s a teenage girl an that’s what ya do. Lol..
She too grabbed me an started crying. We talked for a while. When I had told the kids what was happening originally, my daughter cried at first, then got an odd look about her. It wasn’t until later that I put it together. She was in denial. She figured if she didn’t think about it the it wasn’t happening. But now that I had actually left, it hit her hard too.
Then it was time to sit down an talk with my wife. God I miss her. We had the initial conversation about how things were going. How everyone was doing. Etc. ..then she started talking about herself. She cried so hard, leaning into me an just let it out for about five minutes. But it felt like an eternity.
Just the mere thought of her not sitting next to me hurts. I hurt everyone. I can’t go without seeing them, but it seems like just my presence hurts everyone. They all love me so much.
I’M TO BLAME FOR ALL OF THIS!!!
I hate myself. I can’t even get relief in cutting. I can’t get the rope out. I can’t do anything. While today felt so nice to see my family. I think another part of me died inside today. I hurt so bad. I allowed this to happen.
Maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad. This is only day six and I’m not sure how much more i can take. The drive to work is excruciating. It used to take me 15 minutes. Now it takes 25 on a dark an lonely road. All i get to do is think. Thinking is my worst enemy.
Gahhh, it’s early but I’m laying down. If my sleeping pills don’t kick in soon i may do something I’ll regret.