Day number seven since I left my family. ..
Every day I look at myself in the mirror an wonder why I woke up? It’s gotten to the point I’m crying at work again. I haven’t done that in a while. Thought or hoped those days were over. Lol…yea I think that’s funny even writing it.
Day started off bad, on my way to work I realized I had forgotten to take my meds this morning. I had “planned” on buying a to go pull box so I could always have a full days dosage with me but like everything else I just forgot to get it…
So the day dragged on way longer than it should have normally because i just didn’t want to be there. I had one of those office days. Sitting staring at my way, because i don’t have any windows….thinking to myself…listening to myself. I had my Pandora playing. For some odd reason every song on my normal rock/alternative station decided to play every single painful song it could find.
Loser, scars, been a while, etc…such depressing music, but like that nasty picture that’s so hideous you just can’t stop looking at it.
I HAD TO KEEP PLAYING IT
I deserve to feel like this…I don’t deserve anything else.
As work went on, started to get busy.
I also am granted with the gift of ADHD. ..yay me.
So the only way I can get anything done ever is to follow a daily routine. If I deviate from that all hell breaks loose. Obviously today was already shot so why should the rest of it be any better???
My normal routine consists of work 6-2pm. I don’t take a full lunch, so I leave at 1:45 so I can pick up my son from school. So as usual, 1:40 I start packing up and grabbing my stuff. Get to the front door and just as I’m getting ready to leave I look at the clock. It’s 1:45…
But….I moved out. I’m not at home. I’m not with my family. I now realize that for the first time in 6 years, I’m not going to be picking my son up from school because I crushed my family.
Devastated, I walk slowly back to my office, shut the door, and just sit there. I sit there till 2:00pm.
Walk back out, don’t need to grab my stuff because I never put it down. I just sat there for 15 minutes staring at my wall and holding my shit. Unable to do anything else. Barely holding the tears back. But I knew I had too. I can’t let my employees see me like this…I can’t let management see me like this either…I can’t be the unstable one…or weak.
So I walk silently out of the building and get in my car and start driving. Driving that long, terrible ride that gives me even more time to think.
I am my own worst enemy. There isn’t anything I would do for myself.
I realized today that I’ve been taking more risks than I normally would have too. My wife always said I drive like an old lady. It always took us longer to g et somewhere when I was driving. Except now it’s different. I’m finding myself going a whole lot faster. I’m cutting in front of cars. Turning in front of cars. Their honking at me. Nearly hitting me as they fly by.
Also have noticed at work I’m also doing things u probably shouldn’t be doing either. I have a ladder in the back that’s probably about 14′ tall to the base. Has a guard to about 17′ for safety. On the outside of the storage area there is 20′ shelving. So the last few weeks when I can’t reach boxes, instead of moving them around until I could…I proceed to stand on the guard rail of the ladder and balance to grab the boxes off the shelf. If I need one further down the rack, I grab the top shelf. Pull the ladder with my leg, then climb back on top. All at about 20+ feet with one hand.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t hurt myself. I guess getting in an accident isn’t intentionally hurting myself right?
People keep saying that I’m being too hard on myself. That I need to remember that I’m doing this because I’m trying to be a better person. That I’m trying to get a hold if myself and gain perspective on life.
Then why do I hate myself every minute of every day? Where am I making myself a better person? What am I missing? Is there something else that is going on that other people see that I dont?
Ughhh…another sleepless night coming. I can feel it now. So much for a happy ending