Day Ten & Eleven

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So, another late post…I’m slacking so I decided to combine my two days. And I just couldn’t bring myself to type.
I figured it would eventually happen. It always does so why should now be any different?
I went up, and now I’m heading back down. I just wish it wouldn’t happen so often. I’m fairly sure it doesn’t REALLY have anything to do with what fake holiday today is. Although I gotta say, sitting in my rented room and drinking until I can’t see doesn’t make for a good time.
I had a few offers to hang out with the “single” people at work. But the I would be the one who cries in the corner because I did in fact have someone who just didn’t want me. Even just them asking me, I felt like they pitied me. I don’t want anyone’s pity. I’d rather jump off a tall bridge. Except there isn’t many in my area…and my motivation is so low, unless the bridge came to me it would be too much an effort.

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I’m not saying I’m going to go do something I’ll regret. I’m just saying if a bus suddenly it presented itself in front of me I wouldn’t get out of its way.

It’s a difficult thought to process. The last few days I’ve been so high. And today I’m just plain not. I do have to say I don’t feel completely depressed, I just lack the will to be here. Is that the same thing?
Sadly I as always I don’t have enough pills to do anything special. I never seem to have enough. So many times I’ve tried…closest I’ve ever gotten is I slept for two or three days. I took a partial bottle of oxycodone, few percocets, handful of Tylenol, and some sleeping pills just for good measure.  only to fail one more time at something else. I’m a failure at failing. I can’t seem to get anything quite right.  What the hell…
Anyway, my all of a sudden happiness seems to have left. Passed like a sudden rain storm. I kinda hope it will return at some point.
I hate myself again. If I had the ambition this would probably be my last post. But I even lack that much..
I’m not looking for the kind words, oh I’m sorry you feel like that…reading pity here would push me over the edge. Even though I like being here, every day seems harder than the day before.
It feels like I’m wearing a happy mask. When I leave the house, I gotta get into costume. Then I get back an get out an I feel safe again. Safe in my misery. Being in public is getting more painful every day.
I had a conversation with one of my best friends today. I’ve known her for 27 years. She described her feelings to me in such detail. I hate having such a vivid imagination.
Does that have anything to do with being bipolar?
She described her feelings about her husband. She has fallen out of love. She doesn’t physically love her husband. The passion is gone.
Every word she said I cried a bit more. They were the exact words my wife told me three months ago when I had withdrawn from my marriage. She was my first physical love. In the years past, we talk,  then dont, then talk again. She’s always been my person. The one who is always with you regardless what is going on. In truth, I could see myself in real love with her again. She was so beautiful. To hear her in pain hurts me.

But we stay apart. It’s probably for the best. I’ve slept with friends. Lots of times. It doesn’t always work out well.

Right now she seems to be the only thing keeping me going. I’m not sure what I would do if I didn’t have her in my life.
It’s a odd thing to say when I love my wife so much…But when she doesn’t want me it blurs the lines a bit.
Well I can’t take any more. And it’s time to get more alcohol. Gnite :/

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