Day Twelve


Boogeyman?? Schizophrenia??
So many times I’ve sat in the dark wondering what is going to happen next. Staring at the ceiling…I always liked the ones with the textured look. My brain made such scary faces in it. It’s kinda funny. I’d be laying there and I would see a story unfold. The images changed so fast. I don’t know why or how but my mind created multiple images out if so many different ones. if i stared at it long enough, I could hear them talking.
They weren’t the usual “scary” voices people see in movies. It’s regular conversation. Half the time I joined wife would come in the room an look at me funny. Who are you talking to now??? I always had so many voices going on in my head. They didn’t say kill the neighbors, just answering my questions. I’d ask, what am I supposed to do next? They would reply, we’ll it depends on what you want to do?? I could clearly hear their voice. Sometimes it would be so loud I’d look over at my wife to see if she heard it too.
I used to sit on my porch an smoke cigarettes. I liked it best when it was dark out. I would see shadows moving across the street. Seems as soon as I noticed them, they would stop and stare back at me. Their eyes were always glowing red. They would tilt their heads as if to wonder if I actually saw them. Sometimes I’d reply yes I do see you. Then more appeared.
I would slowly open the door an ask my wife to come out. They still stood off to the side. I’d ask if she saw them too? Her answer. No dear there’s nothing there, come back inside. I’d look over her shoulder an see five or six of them. Mocking me.
Almost sounds like a start of a good story. I wish it was. These things have happened to me as long as I can remember. When I came back in, my wife would pull me closer. As if to relax me down. They went away for a while. That was a few years ago. I lived in a different house then. I’ve since moved.

But now they’re back. I see things all over. Shadows moving off to the side. Just far enough off that they are out of my direct line of view. I know these things are there…I’m not that crazy right?? They can’t be ghost images replaying events in my head that happened earlier in the day or days ago?
Sometimes they sneak up behind me and start talking. So loud I jump.
Tonight for example. I was sitting on the porch of my rental place. Drinking my favorite captain an Dr pepper. And across the road I could hear coyotes howling. Then I heard the foot steps. Running in front of them. There was a pack after someone. Then the steps stopped. And the pack howled. I wonder if I tried recording the voices if I could hear them afterwards?? Maybe I could gain back some credibility??

How possible is it to not only be bipolar,  ADHD…But also Schizophrenic ? That’s not something that gets added on is it? I think this is one of the things that makes me feel more alone every day. Things I hear. Things that are said. They have to be there right??
God, I feel more crazy just seeing this written down.

I can’t take anymore issues. I can’t tell my wife I’m even more crazy than I already am now. She’s just starting to kinda like me again. I can’t take any more meds. Hell, I can’t afford anymore meds.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m going out of town for the next few weeks. I wish I could leave me here so I could get a vacation away from me. Even if for just a little while.
What a great night. Guess I’ll just have a few more drinks. Maybe the voices will stop. I think I drink just so they get slurred an I can’t hear them. I hate being me. Glasses up!! Gnite 😉


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