Day Thirteen

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Some things are hard to handle. I am the sort who likes to control things and fix them when their broken. I can’t stand it when there is something I can’t fix.

I’m very analytical and mechanically inclined. I fix house issues, computers, everything technical.

I can’t fix myself. I can’t even control myself, let alone try an fix someone else.
Today I spent most of the day with my wife. First time in a while now. We laughed, we cried, we held each other, an had some great sex….But at the end of it all, we still looked into each others eye and the tears wouldn’t stop.
She’s finally coming to cope with my illness. The reality that regardless what I do, or how hard I try…that it won’t ever go away.
She loves me again. I got that back. I didn’t think I’d ever have that again. But at the same time, she’s scared if I move back in to our home that shortly afterwards I’ll allow myself to do it again. I can’t blame her. In the nine years we have been together, all I’ve ever done is hurt her. I would tell her that I promised I would change. I promised it would be different. But I never got help…
Her heart is broken. I can’t fix it. It’s hard to continue going on with myself knowing that it just won’t go away. All the meds in the world can’t repair the damage I’ve done. Holding her close, for just that moment…everything seems like it’s all going to be better. But when. We let go, it’s not.
When were together it’s so bitter sweet. I hate that look in her eyes. The look of pain. The look that she wants to love me…deep down she does….But her heart is holding her back. Her mind is holding her back…
It’s so hard to wake up and get out of bed. And why should I get up? It’s just one more painful day. Looking in the mirror and seeing the monster in the reflection. If i catch the light just right, I almost see a red glow around me. The demon side just beneath the skin.
I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.

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