Day Seventeen


Today has been interesting. For some of it I was fairly depressed. But at the same time I’ve been thinking more about sex than normal? I’m not sure how those two go together. I’ve read a little about a new term. Called hypersexuality. Don’t know much about it yet. That’s my new goal, to find out more on that subject.
My feelings just won’t subside. I don’t think I’m doing anything that could be adding to the fact? But maybe I am?
Am I causing my own triggering event?
I’ve moved my sights to another one here. Slender build red head. Lol…like I said, I just can’t resist a red head. I guess what makes it a little worse yet is she’s also just out of college. This one is different though. This one seems slightly damaged? Being damaged myself, and maybe it’s just me. But it seems like I can tell by looking at someone that they have had a trouble in their past. So many “tells” the way they hold themselves, walk, even talk. It’s harder to tell just a crazy. But I swear I can judge by watching and talking to someone if they are normal or not. Not that anyone is really normal. It’s just me. I’m attracted to the odd ones
I seem to like girls in their early twenties. Something about the innocence. Maybe that is it? Girls that old haven’t typically had any horrible relationships. Any emotional scaring from a partner. Life is usually all peaches.
Is that what attracts me to them? I’m so damaged that I need to be near someone who hasn’t had my issues?
I’ve never thought of it that way, but that may be an underlying reasoning behind the problem.
They seem oddly drawn to me too. The girls my age are number one, just old. Lol. But every time a younger girl approaches me, they just seem more giddy than the older women. Maybe the excitement of new people? I remember being young and wanting to have sex as much as possible.
I know that it’s normal for young people of both gender to want more sex. Hmmm, interesting. The more I write, the more I stop an think about where I’ve been and how my life has gone over the years.
I’ve got more bruises and scratches today. I find myself pushing past what I should be doing. Finding my limit,  then pushing ten feet past it. I want the abuse. I need the abuse. I deserve the abuse. I’m not a good person. Why shouldn’t I suffer? Haven’t I caused suffering for enough people in my life? Tonight should be similar, push push push. Go Go go. Cut cut cut….God the relief from the cut. I wish I could have that release again. If I could just do it a few times, maybe I would be a little better. Sadly,  I know me. I know I can’t do it a few times though. Once I start, it becomes an every day thing. Then at some point it gets noticed an the questions start. At least doing work like this, it’s explainable. Oh yea I must have cut myself on that shelf??
Looks like I’m going to post this one early. Time to head to another lovely day of work. Yay me


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