Day Twenty


So, I figured I would do my first attempt at writing just a random post. Its been a normal, shitty night. I had a lot of plans for the day. None of them happened. I had a semi-planned date this afternoon, turned out we both slept in. We actually did go out to dinner. Had decent conversation. Wow, she is young. Full of hopes and dreams. It’s hard to see inspiration like that when I feel like shit.
Unable to do anything.
We left the restaurant, talking and actually listening to each other. She realized during our chat that we had been so involved, she forgot her phone at the restaurant. They had closed and kicked us out about thirty minutes ago. But it didn’t matter much to her, so we sat down outside an continued to talk. She sat pretty close to me. I couldn’t believe how close she was. Our arms were touching. At first she twitched a second after our skin came into contact. Then I felt her relax. At some point I got lost in my thoughts. This was the closest I’ve been to a redhead in a very long time. Looking at her, I would swear she looked so much like my original first love. The one who killed herself. In build, skin tone, hair style, all of it. I’m not sure at what point it was but I think I started to become timid and scared. My heart was beating faster. Am I that much of a wreck that I can’t even be near a redhead? The thought of our naked, sweaty bodies touching was exhilarating. At the same time I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. My original love couldn’t really be here with me? All of this going through my head. It seemed like an eternity. So I tried to let the feelings pass for now. I couldn’t control them.
I can’t explain to her about any of my issues. She wouldn’t understand. Nobody understands unless they feel it too. I’ve never personally met a bipolar person, although I may have. Bipolar people don’t just share our feelings.
As I felt my strength pulling away from me, I could tell she noticed it too. She had on odd look in her face. So at that point, before I did or said anything stupid, we decided to go on a hike tomorrow afternoon. She got up and said goodbye. That she planned on staying up late too and if she got bored she would message me. She left my sight and I thought. Ok, before I talk to her again I have to regain my composure. I sat there, taking slow breathes. I felt it coming back. I was ready to see her again. This time I would react before it set in again. Only there was a problem. I had sent a few witty and suggestive messages an thirty minutes without a response it hit me. I must have scared her off. She didn’t want to talk to me or see me again. Who would? I am good looking, but that’s only superficial. Inside I’m black. I started crying. How could I be so stupid. I was right, nobody did want me.
Then the stupidity hit me. If you have been paying attention to what I’ve written you already know the answer. Why didn’t she reply? I realized she had left her phone at the restaurant and I had no way of talking to her. I’m an idiot. I can make the best of things worse. And bad things horrible.
So now I sit here alone with my thoughts again. I hate being alone. Alone I’m free to think. To think of ways to hurt myself.
I guess I should go to sleep before I take action on any of my thoughts.


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