Day Twenty Two

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The start of my next wonderful day. I think I may have found a possible solution as to why I’m bruising as easy as I am right now.
All medications have side effects. There isn’t anything that doesn’t anymore.
One of the listed side effects or Fetzima is easy bruising, thinner blood, and potentially harder to clot wounds.
Well I’m having those ones along with others. As good as it’s making me feel, I have decided to just deal with the pain and visual issues that I’m displaying.

Then problem number two. It seems like that my son is now upset with me. One of “our things” has always been to pick them up on Wednesday early and go to 7-11. Grab slurpies, and hang out an watch some TV shows. If my daughter isn’t up to it, the my son and I play video games.
This is the first time I’ve not been there for it in years. I think this is one of the reasons my depression seems to be higher today than it has been.
Problem number three…semi fixed now. My court time I was able to get taken care of so I don’t have to drive three hours for a 30 minute deposition.

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Problem number four…
This is what my wife sent me today. She loves me. But just doesn’t want to anymore because I was such a piece of shit husband.
At this point I don’t know that it will ever work itself back out.
She’s moved from
her original anger
To confusion and depression
Loving me but torn.
Now back to pissed off again.

She loves me. She understands that I didn’t intentionally hurt her. But she doesn’t trust it won’t happen again. Which we know being bipolar, at some point I may dip one way or another. She’s also just still hurt. That pain won’t ever go away that I caused her. And honestly, I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive myself for causing the pain to her either.
I absolutely hate myself. There is just nothing right. Only reason I’m still here right now is because of my kids. Which I don’t know when or how much I will get to see them anymore again.
My pets. I have 2 dogs which “we” bought 5 years ago. Their my second set of kids. And we also have a one year old cat.
All of which are gone. Again. I just keep tearing through every relationship. Leaving scars and holes as I pass. Losing bits and pieces of myself along the way.
I don’t know what to do. I’m just glad right now I’m away. But I only get 2 more days of this before reality kicks back in and I have to face the fact I’m alone.
Potentially I could be divorced a second time. Lose yet another house and family.
How the hell do I even go on? What’s the use? What’s the point?

Fuck, what a way to end my day. If my knife was sharp I’d be cutting the hell outta myself right now.

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