Day Twenty Four

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Well, my work trip has ended. I have the room until tomorrow morning. All the people that I worked with have mostly left. I’m not sure who is all still here.
Everyone all said they missed their husband/wife and wanted to get back to them as soon as they could. I decided to stay the night. I have nobody to go home too. I have no home to go home to. I have nothing.
They gave me hugs, shook hands, etc. I got the odd looks, your staying? A few said they were staying just so they wouldn’t get stuck in traffic. So what do I do now??
I’ve reached the end of the month. I had hoped that I would be able to take this time to find my sanity, let my wife regain her trust, and be able to go home. But it’s all collapsed.
What reason do I have for doing anything right now?
I did alright on this trip because I was forced to be busy. I was forced to meet new people. But those people are gone and I’m left feeling even lonelier than I was before.
God I hate being me.
I hate how I can go so fast from one feeling to another in the blink of an eye. I’m sitting here in my room alone. Watching the clock. Tick tick tick
I think the later it gets the worse I feel. Knowing I’ve got nothing.
I have a job, but I don’t have anyone to support. I don’t have anyone to share my life with anymore.
I’ve had a lot of job offerings since my time here. I work hard. I’m great at directing others. I’ve been a manager for years. But I can’t manage my own life.
My wife won’t talk to me anymore. No phone calls. No messages. Nothing. She says seeing my name anywhere hurts her. I have some things to do at the house and she asked for me to do it around when she won’t be there because she can’t see me.
In her heart she loves me still. But her mind is stronger and is winning. Her mind doesn’t want me back. She doesn’t trust me.
So. I am alone. Me and my dull knife.

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I’d go get dinner, but I’m not hungry. My appetite is gone. Has been getting worse. Like I want to eat alone again. I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up, but I’ve failed at every attempt of doing that too. My only thing to look forward to tonight, it will be dark out soon and I don’t have to hid from the sun. Did I mention, I hate me?
I guess my blog name said it all huh?
A Ruined Life…

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9 responses to “Day Twenty Four

  1. If you need something to do tonight, Google search the blog “Flying Scroll” by Chad Bird. He is a Christian man, not sure if you are into that, but he has written many posts about being in the pit you are now in, where he’d ruined his life and lost his first wife to divorce because of it. He’s come out of it now, and it writes to encourage others. Some posts you might like: “It ain’t the Whiskey” and “The prophylactic church: Protecting the Gospel from sinners” You can search them once you get to his blog. I’d encourage you to follow it as well. Sorry for the random comment. You are loved, friend. You are loved.

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    • Thanks. As I read through all these blogs, I can’t help to notice there are not many guys on here. I guess most guys aren’t willing to write about their problems. For a month now I’ve not been able to hold back on my emotions. I’ve not felt this down in a while.

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      • I don’t mean to write you again, but your comment keeps popping up in my wordpress dashboard, even though I’ve read it and wrote you back. I thought maybe it was God’s way of telling me to write you again. I hope you are ok. I don’t mean to be a stalker or anything. Just worried about you.

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