So, this morning I suddenly remembered a dream I had a few days ago. I think all the cutting thoughts brought it out. But before I go into this dream, I need to start from its origin. I didn’t add this to my life story, more forgotten memories I guess.
Back twenty two years ago a friend of mine passed away. We me in high school. I knew him and his brother. His name was Paul, but called him Paully. After high school we hung out a bit. I remember he used to borrow my car. He didn’t have one. His usual reason was to go see his girlfriend. He was my buddy, so yeah I’m going to let him. He used to ask me questions all the time about her. About love, what to do, what to say, etc.
So much I remember about those days. Somewhere along the line my radio broke. I had an old one where you had to manually turn the dial on the right to change the station. Then sadly the dial broke. What makes it worse, it broke while turning the station. It was stuck on a bad talk religious station. OMG! But it has a tape player. An Paully had a few tapes he left in my car to listen to when he borrowed it. Journey and Gun’s & Roses.
Well we all hung out near a busy road. It was just down from a small store that sold soda, chips, etc. One day he was going to the store during a normally busy day. He decided to chance running across the road. Well he didn’t make it. That was a hard time. But this gives you some background info on my buddy. I was his go-to-guy for things involving girl he loved. The girl who was pregnant with his child.
Well twelve years after he had died, he came to me in a dream. This was during my worst time of cutting, drinking, suicide attempts, etc. It was the most real dream I’ve ever had. I awoke in the woods standing in front of a cabin. There was a dim light inside I could see through the tattered curtains. This was one of those old abandoned cabins. Long past white painted outside in all forms of disrepair and partially overgrown by foliage.
I walked up and opened the door. There was only a single mattress on the floor. On the mattress was few razors with wet blood on them. To the left hung a rope tied off to the open rafters. A single candle was lit up next to the bed with a pool of wax holding it in place. It was all waiting for me. So I sat down.
I was cutting, deeply that time. Blood dripping on the bed. Tears in my eyes as I kept staring at the rope. I knew why it was there. This dream felt so real. I put n you head down to my chest an watched the dripping. Then the door opened. There stood Paully.
He casually said “hey man, can I borrow your car?” Laughing an walking towards me.
I stared in disbelief. He says “we have to talk.” Now keep in mind, this is beginning of March.
He then goes to explain things to me. About my future and then Paully began.
Your going to be offered a chance at starting over in a new place. Life will be hard, but there will be someone that is worth the pain. She will be your soulmate. Your life will be a challenge, it will always be so. But it has to be this way. I can show you what she looks like, but I cannot tell you her name. I also cannot show you her face. These things could be taken wrong and you could make wrong choices. But I’m going to show you things that only “she” will have.
He puts his hand on my shoulder, tears and blood stain my clothes, and lifts me up.
Follow me, I’m going to take you to see her.
There was a brief flash and suddenly we were in a car. It was red, my favorite color, and I was driving. Going down the expressway, he tells me to exit an then make a few turns. We park an start walking. In the distance I hear music. As we rounded the corner, there was a park. It had one of those gazebos in the middle with people playing instruments. There were scattered people throughout the park. But one woman stood out from the rest. She was in a beautifully flowered sun dress. Wearing a large brimmed sun hat. On her left shoulder was what looked like an angel. On her right side back was the name Hailey in a script. She was dancing, swaying back an forth slowly with the music.
I looked over at Paully and he nodded his head. The closer I got, I could smell her too. The soft scent of Sweet Pea. My heart fluttered. I started to reach out my hand to touch her shoulder. Just as I touched it, Paully grabbed my arm and we flashed back to the cabin.
He then finished his story.
That was her. That is all I was allowed to show you. I can’t tell you when or how but it will happen. When the chance to move is offered, take it.
Well, like I always do…I forgot part of the dream. But I did remember some.
I got the offer to move two months later. Never thought that would happen in the manner it did. Seven months later I met her. The powers above created hurricanes (the ones from 2004). Lightning struck near her house an fried her pc. Just so happens I worked at a pc repair place. She had both tattoos in the right places. I was floored!
If you have read any of my other posts, this is my wife. Now for the dream a few days ago.
It’s been about ten years ago exactly. Within a few days at least. Those thoughts of cutting coming back. Then it happened, I awake back in the same woods staring at the same cabin. Same dim light inside. My heart dropped. I walked inside and saw the same scene. Razors, candle, and rope. Only this time the razors were clean and I knew why. I hadn’t started cutting yet. So I knew what I had to do.
I sat down on the dusty mattress and grabbed a razor. My hand trembling. Tears running down my face. But before I can make that first cut Paully walks in an says to stop. Then his next words are “hey man, can I borrow your car I got a date”
He laughs an says you forgot something man, we shouldn’t be back here again.
He grabs my shoulder again an were flashed back to the park were I first saw her and it’s the same event.
He now says.
You don’t remember it all do you? This is her, she is your soulmate. But this is when you end up with her, not where you met. You forgot about that part didn’t you. I know most of us usually don’t want to hear the bad. You blocked out knowing that you met years earlier. You blocked out knowing that your first meeting failed. It failed because it was supposed to fail. You both had to learn things that could only happen after the break. This event is where you meet her for the rest of your lives.
We then flashed back to the cabin. I begin crying so hard it feels like my chest is going to cave in from the pressure.
Paully puts his hand on my shoulder an says take care man. I’ll always be here, even if you don’t see me.
This is my dream. All ten years of it. I don’t know if I can make it through this until we meet again. My depression is so heavy. I know I need to learn how to manage myself. I know this is what he meant. I just don’t know if I can.