So I don’t know what to title these anymore. It’s all just the next day now. And what is the next day you ask? Just a different shitty version of today. One of my favorite movies, Dreamcatcher by Steven King.
SSDD=Same Shit Different Day
I’m kind of lost.
Lost in my thoughts.
Lost in myself.
The urges to cut myself are increasing. Last night all I did was look up pics of razors, scars, blood until the pills put me out. I can’t take my anger out on anyone. Cried most of the way to my rental today. When i got here I dug through my bag and found the sharpest knife i had.
It didn’t do Shit. It’s pretty bad when a bad ass looking knife meant solely to cut and defend can’t cut. How is it supposed to defend when it can’t cut skin when it’s specifically trying to??
All I ended up with is a few scratches. Hell, I could have done that with my keys. Lame
At this point I’m doubtful I’ll make it through the night without finding something else that is sharper. My mind is numb. My body is numb. I’m depressed and I can’t feel anything anymore. I’m not looking to do anything stupid. More of that reassurance that I am still here. That I’m not a figment of my own twisted imagination.
If you bleed, doesn’t that make you alive? If you feel pain, doesn’t that count for something?
I’m so tired.
Moving out and getting perspective seemed like such a good idea at one point. I’m not so sure anymore. It may lead to my undoing.
Sorry I’ve missed posts in the last few days. While I’ve had shit to say, I lacked the energy and ambition to do it. My best friend gives me a hard time when I miss a day. As a matter of fact, I’m nearly certain when she reads this I’ll probably get a phone call…she was never a cutter. She was one of those “accidental” self injury people. I tried that while I was away working. It made some cool marks. The worst part, I couldn’t feel them at all.
Oh well. I’ll find something else.
I hate me.
Gnite all 😥