No Sleep Yet

Well still no sleep for me. My handy work here on a disposable razor. Seems a little more flexible than I expected.
It’s still strong enough for what is being used for though.
This is the first time I’ve done this in ten years. Only did it a few times. My heart dropped a few beats. I’ve not had that release in so long.
I don’t plan on keeping it going, at least not too long anyways. Like before, it’s hard to explain for too long. Legs don’t do anything for me. I’m not sure why either. Isn’t it still the same thing? Or…. Does it feel better because I CAN see it? Like I need to punish myself and having it hidden I don’t get to see the pain I’ve caused me. Not that it actually hurts. Nothing really hurts me anymore. Not in a very long time.
I guess what will stop me now is my kids. I get to see them on Wednesday. I got to talk to my daughter tonight. Me, her, and my son are going out to dinner Wednesday. My son is very smart. And very inquisitive. He notices everything. You can’t do anything without him asking why you did it. If he sees it and you don’t tell him, he still asks about it. Every now an then I take off my wedding ring. Just to see how it feels without it. It feels naked btw. My son has asked me, where is your ring? I make something up like I was working on the car or something dirty and I didn’t want to get it messed up.
So, before I left work today I made sure I “accidentally” made some marks on my left arm. People saw me too. Said hey, are you ok? Should I get a bandage? Nope, just fine here. Preplanned crazy. I preplanned on a way to explain myself.
Well I should be fine for work. Nothing to major enough to make the think anything really wrong. Our to think that I did hurt myself to bad yesterday and need to fill out an accident report.
Anyways i think the mixture of  sleeping pulls, alcohol, and finally that small release an now I’m tired.
So I will wake up to another shitty day.
Gnite all.
And Thank you as always Rebekah. Your too kind.


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