So its Thursday. The day the rest of my family take its first trip without me. It’s only a camping trip, but that used to be our thing. The last time we went was with my mother in law before she died.
My wife an I had hoped things would have gotten better between us and I would be going with them. But they leave tomorrow. My wife an I talked a little yesterday. We also talked a little today. This is the most we’ve talked in a while. I knew it was getting near the conversation so I ended it first.
I said “I love you. Drive safe and I’ll talk to you soon”
We had been talking back and forth for about half an hour. After that comment, I didn’t hear back for two hours. I wasn’t trying to make her feel bad. I hope it didn’t. I love her. I miss her. I fucked up. I ruined things. And I ruined my life. I guess that’s what the title of my story is called. Must have came from somewhere right.
Im finally feeling a little better today. Having a migraine for two days isn’t fun. After talking to my wife, laying in bed, I’ve been crying the last few hours. Not a snotty, loud cry, but a constant stream of tears running down my cheeks.
I hate being alone.
On the outside in a normal guy. I have tattoos and a general angry demeanor. But inside I constantly break. Sometimes I don’t know if things will ever be better for me. I’m so tired of being me.
Today was a long day. Started work at 4am. I’ve now been awake for roughly 30 hours. I didn’t sleep last night. I’m so tired now but I can’t close my eyes. When I do I see my family. Holding each other close on the couch. Snuggling up, eating popcorn, watching a movie. All sharing the same blanket. It feels like it’s been years since those days happened. For all I know it might have?
During my last depressive state I lost a year or more. I just plain lost it. So it may very well be a long time since we sat there.
Im still fairly new here. Got a notification that I’ve posted a bunch of times. I’ve never posted any pictures of me. Ive thought about it. I’m not ugly or disfigured. I think I’m rather normal looking. If such a thing exists. So I looked through the pictures I have to see what I wanted to be the first and maybe only picture of me. Know what I found? The was pictures of my kids. Pictures of my wife. Pictures of me and my wife. But none of just me. I was always behind the camera.
Even subconsciously I don’t wanna see me. I’m not worthy of the digital space or takes for a single image.
Oh well maybe some other time.
I’ve got to get some rest. I can’t take much more if this. Oh hell…I also forgot to take my night time pills. Kinda explains why I’m not tired. Ooops.
Fine good night. 😦