I can feel it coming. It’s like the feeling you get in your bones when a storm is brewing. I think my medication is holding it off. But I feel the underlying demon coming. I don’t know if I can stop it.
I’m not sure how low I will go. I’m a bit scared. I can’t cry anymore. I kinda don’t feel anything. Just low.
I started going out with friends back in January. Did a bit in February. But March and April I’ve been regressing back to my old self. Closing people off. Closing myself off.
I don’t want to do anything. Go anywhere. If invited, I make up an excuse. I’m too tired. It’s too late. I’ve got blah blah blah to do. And I don’t, I don’t do anything.
I’ve become that hermit again. Only this time I don’t have my wife telling me that I need to get out or do something. I just go to work. Come back to my room. Close the door. And stare at the walls.
Sometimes I’ll stare at them for an hour before I realize what is happening.
And it’s kind of funny. I hate being alone. I’m scared to be alone. And I know it. But at the same time, I don’t want to do anything.
All I’ve done lately is sleep. I want to go into a coma for a few months. Then wake up and be better? Is that possible? Can I arrange that somehow?
Umm, doctor person. Can you put me in a temporary coma. Just until my brain is fixed or you have a cure for bipolar or depression?  Is that too much to ask? I’m so tired of living like this.
I don’t know how much more I can take before I break.

I hate being me


3 responses to “Sinking

  1. I know for me the thing I often least feel like doing is usually what I need to do the most, especially when get into hermit mode. I usually feel better after that, at least for a while.

    I’m dreading going to church this morning, but I’m about to get off my computer and get moving as much as I’d rather just stay away. Go for a walk today and then write a poem afterwards or something? Maybe that’s kind of a girly idea. I don’t know, getting outside in fresh air helps me with depression.


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