Confused?

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I haven’t written in a few days. Not a 100% sure why yet. I do know I’m a bit drunk right now. I’ve been drinking more again lately.
I promised a new friend that I’d post something the other day and I didn’t. I’m having a hard time with myself.
I’m confused. I hate being confused.
I have good things going on. But at the same time I’m realizing that inside I still just hate me.
Weighted myself again the other day, lost another 3 lbs. Not sure at this point where it’s still coming from. I can say I look in the mirror an I hate me. I look at myself in disgust. I look horrible. I’m still fat and yet I’ve lost so much weight.
I guess in retrospect, it’s not that much but enough where I shouldn’t feel like this and yet I still do.
Does that also mean I have a sort of eating disorder? I eat. I eat bullshit.
Pop tarts.
Crackers.
Cookies.
Anything I don’t have to cook. I used to love to cook. But I just don’t have it in me anymore. There’s a lot I used to love. It just doesn’t seem to matter much.
I think I’m rambling a bit. Probably the alcohol? Lol.
Not sure where I was going with this. Hahha, it’s sad when you lose yourself in your own thoughts. 
You might think only that would happen to someone who was mad?
Apparently I am.

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4 responses to “Confused?

  1. Sounds like you’re in a dark place right now, where I’ve spent a lot of time in the past. I would drink and listen to depressing music, which in retrospect made things worse. Sorry I can’t say anything to make you feel better, other than that you aren’t alone in feeling like this…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Robin, it means a lot just taking the time to reply. I don’t truly care if people do. But it’s nice to see sometimes. I talk to myself a lot, so usually that’s all the comments I get. I finish writing an read back an say, what the fuck? Lol

      Liked by 1 person

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