I’m home tonight. Sitting with my family. It feels different for me today. Must be the added crazy into the mix. I’ve been feeling a little more crazy again.
As I gaze from the side, I feel outside of my life. Like I’m on a busy train, but nobody is there? Not sure if that makes any sense. But it’s the only thing I can think of to explain it to myself.
Tomorrow is my daughter’s birthday. I’m staying the night at my house so I can take her to the doctor in the morning. Not to sound bad, but I’m hoping she either doesn’t feel good enough or wants to play hookie an I get to hang out with her all day.
Is it wrong to force her to stay? Lol.
YOU MUST SKIP SCHOOL CHILD!
I miss my family. Even being here I feel alone. I miss my kids. I miss my wife.
Not sure if it will ever work out again. The closer I get to my wife, the further we seem. I’ve taken on the roll of “the damaged one”, seemingly unsavable from himself.
While I want to come home, I’m not sure I want to be saved. I don’t deserve it. I’ve worked on myself for the last few months. And the thing I’ve seen or found out about me? I’ve been a bad person my whole life.
I hate who I was before now. I hate that I can’t take back anything I’ve done.
I’m not living in the past, just trying to avoid the future.
The future of me.
My future failures. The future pain I will cause someone. Not sure who, but if history repeats itself like it always does then at some point I’m destined to cause great pain to another person.
So why should I continue? Isn’t it better to end things now so I can save someone in the future? I’d be a casualty of war.
One who passed but saved so many.
Did I mention, I hate me?