Home Sweet Home

· by · in Bipolar. ·

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I’m home tonight. Sitting with my family. It feels different for me today. Must be the added crazy into the mix. I’ve been feeling a little more crazy again.
As I gaze from the side, I feel outside of my life. Like I’m on a busy train, but nobody is there? Not sure if that makes any sense. But it’s the only thing I can think of to explain it to myself.
Tomorrow is my daughter’s birthday. I’m staying the night at my house so I can take her to the doctor in the morning. Not to sound bad, but I’m hoping she either doesn’t feel good enough or wants to play hookie an I get to hang out with her all day.
Is it wrong to force her to stay? Lol.
YOU MUST SKIP SCHOOL CHILD!
I miss my family. Even being here I feel alone. I miss my kids. I miss my wife.
Not sure if it will ever work out again. The closer I get to my wife, the further we seem. I’ve taken on the roll of “the damaged one”, seemingly unsavable from himself.
While I want to come home, I’m not sure I want to be saved. I don’t deserve it. I’ve worked on myself for the last few months. And the thing I’ve seen or found out about me? I’ve been a bad person my whole life.
I hate who I was before now. I hate that I can’t take back anything I’ve done.
I’m not living in the past, just trying to avoid the future.
The future of me.
My future failures. The future pain I will cause someone. Not sure who, but if history repeats itself like it always does then at some point I’m destined to cause great pain to another person.
So why should I continue? Isn’t it better to end things now so I can save someone in the future? I’d be a casualty of war.
One who passed but saved so many.

Did I mention, I hate me?

10 responses to “Home Sweet Home”

  1. You should continue if you believe in change. Life is more powerful than us. That means it can cause events that completely rob us of what we have or on a whim give us our most important thing something we can live by . Its like a good or bad ( the way you see it) monster that almost has its own existence and it makes things unpredictable. So your completely linear method of thinking and conjecturing about the future may just be a waste of time. Because that is not always the way things work. I say that as a sincere friend. Self doubt is debilitating I know. I’ve been there. I changed because I found other obsessions like psychology and reading and dogs. Don’t love yourself but breathe and stop hating you. There are better possibilities.

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  3. I’m glad you get to be with your family a little bit. I hope you get to hang out with your daughter some more too.

    We are all screwed up. We have all messed up our lives and hurt people and done stupid things. None of us deserve anything good in our lives. The good things we have are because there is a God who cares. We don’t understand everything all the time and sometimes when things are rough it doesn’t seem at all like God could possibly care if he is letting us suffer so much.

    But this is the beauty of faith and of hope. There is hope dear friend. Hope is something we cannot see. We see only despair.

    But God gives sight to the blind.

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  4. I wanted to comment on all 3 but figured it easier to just do one. Lol
    Thank you all so much. Last night was hard. My feelings of self wealth were drifting downwards. Which makes me feel even worse because it’s my daughter’s birthday. It’s about her today.
    I have to pretend like I’m just fine, which I’ve learned a long time ago how to do very well.

    Liked by 1 person

        • Wow thanks for the nomination. I’ll figure that out when I get back to my rental that I call cave.
          On another note, I was on my way there after work an my wife called. Our son who’s 12 is supposed to text her when he gets home from school. After being 25 minutes late, she called an it went straight to voice mail. Then called the house an he didn’t answer.
          So I drove up here to find out he had a crossing guard meeting. I explained to him the importance of letting us know. Then gave him a huge hug because I knew he was fine.
          So, looks like I’m staying for dinner again. I miss my family. I want to come home. 😥

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          • I’m sorry that you are missing your family but glad that your son was safe and sound and that you had a reason to stay for dinner again. Take the little blessings and enjoy the hell out of them.

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