So I noticed my adhd kinda kicked in an I forgot about finishing my story. Lol oh well
The Big Move
After my fallout in Michigan, I ran away to the furthest place I could to escape myself. I ended up in Florida. Yay, constant summer.
Having been heavily medicated incorrectly, my depression hit even worse if that was possible. I tried killing myself a few more times, but nothing came as close as before I left.
I moved into my aunts house. No job. No money. No friends. Medication I couldn’t afford. No insurance. Severely depressed. What a great combination.
Two months pass, it’s now coming up on my birthday. Who the fuck cares right? But wouldn’t you know it. My birthday is July 24th. My grandmother passed away July 25th. Wtf?
So I made my way back up, only stayed a few days, then ran away like a child.
I was going to school now for computers. Even got a job. I was relearning to pretend. It was September. Working at a computer repair store. And she walked in.
She told me her name. We talked a little. Turns out she was very spiritual. She prayed that something would happen to help her. Shortly thereafter, a hurricane came through and lightning hit her house and she was forced to get it fixed. Where I worked.
I didn’t know why at the time, but I had to get this one. I felt drawn to her. I’ve never felt that before. I’ve felt lust. I’ve felt greed. But this feeling was completely new.
There was an obstacle. She was married, but leaving her husband. A month after we met, she moved out to a friends house. We talked all the time. Kissed a few times. But no sex yet. That also was new for me. Usually sex is very quick. Within hours or days of meeting a woman.
It wasn’t until a few months later did I realize this was the woman shown to me in my dreams so many months ago. I was so awestruck that I didn’t notice that tattoo on her shoulder. All I could see was her eyes. Dark brown and penetrating.
Just after Christmas, it was like a light switch had been flicked. My depression was gone. She knew that I battled with depression, but I had not shared everything. I felt amazing.
So much, I came to the conclusion that “she” had cured me of my illness. So in my normal, brilliant fashion I stopped taking my medication. Not that it was helping me much anymore. The last doctor didn’t give me mood stabilizers, said I didn’t need them. Lol
So I went on with the new life, oblivious to my past. We continued to get closer. I started to become spiritual again. Connecting to myself and to the world.
But my old life, that I’d long since forgotten about, started coming back again within a year an a half. I was excitable. Passionate. It was a wonderful time. Obviously the manic me was making its way back to the surface.
Then started the hallucinations. I was seeing things that weren’t quite there. I thought them to be part of my new spiritual being. A few other people around me thought they saw things too, but I think it was more of a wished they saw things. Not like me. I actually saw things.
I started drinking heavily again. We were partying like rock stars. There was nothing that could stop us. My work was going great. Life was great.
Then I started going too high. I met a new girl at work. A red head, about 22 years old. And yep, I wanted her too. Not because I thought I loved her. But because she was a hot red head. So I took her. We snuck around for probably 3 to 4 months before the bottom fell out.
My love of my life knew something was wrong with me, asked me if there was something wrong, but I denied everything. She tried everything to get through to me, but I wasn’t listening. So she decided to start looking into what I was doing outside the house. She pulled phone records an found out. I had been calling and texting this new girl a lot. She dug further an pulled the messages we exchanged.
ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!
We were inches from splitting up. She yelled, cried, and I promised it would never happen again. I still had never told her I was bipolar. Hell, I didn’t know it could come back. I didn’t know the signs of what happens. I didn’t know what happens when you didn’t take medication. I begged with all I had for her to forgive me.
And this time. This time she forgave me.
We were together for 2 years at this point. I had shared with her some of my past. She just thought I was wild and untamed, which was partially true.
It took a while, but things slowly started to get back to where we were before. I had hurt the one woman I truly loved. I was devastated. I hid my feelings of regret. I hid my deepening depression.
Basically, I hid all that was me. I hid my true self. I hid behind the mask. I hid until the mask became so permanent I forgot it was there.
Work was still going well, and kept getting better. I was making more money than I’ve ever made. I graduated from school. Got my degree. But put it on the shelf because this job was so great!
And then the 2 year point in our relationship was complete. My work started to get questioned. I questioned it’s validity. I made so much money, and saw people lose so much. At first I didn’t care, why would I? I didn’t care if people lost money while I made money. But I slowly felt inside that something was wrong.
The company I was representing was in the news. They were being investigated by the FCC and SEC. Shortly thereafter, the company I worked for started to get questions. They were getting interviewed by men in suits. That scared me. The SEC came in one Friday morning while we were working and we were told to orderly exit the building and leave everything where it was. We were checked on exit if we had anything hidden on our person. Vans pulled up. They began taking boxes full of paperwork out.
The company I worked for told us we could go home for the day. Not to worry as we had done nothing wrong. And that we would get fully paid for the day.
The following Monday we all returned to work. I felt the tension. Owners of the company looked worried. We again were told we were all fine. It was a misunderstanding. To contact our clients and assure them we would take care of everything.
After a month, the SEC closed the doors of my main company I had done so great in representing. I was the lead for the company in my firm. It was found out that everything I learned was a lie. None of it was true. Everything I had told my clients was a lie perpetrated by the company I represented.
I was devastated.
My guilt this time dropped to new lows. Without knowing, I had taken thousands upon thousands of dollars from my clients in a huge lie.
I was a fraud.
I felt I couldn’t work for this firm any longer, so I resigned.
We didn’t have much saved. My mania had burned so hot, my love and I burned through nearly every dollar I made. At one point I had a bank account with thousands in it. I also had a huge Germany beer stein at home with a few thousand in cash for spending money.
But by now, it was all but gone. Just like my pride.
I dropped so low, I didn’t know if I was going to make it out of this one. My love consoled me. She held me. She told me it wasn’t my fault. But it didn’t matter.
I felt guilty. Inside I knew something wasn’t right. I had a IT degree. I knew all about computers, parts, technology. I represented a tech company and I knew inside that things they said didn’t make sense. But things were going so good, I pushed it aside.
I tried to go to other firms. I made a bit of money but nothing like I had before. My clients didn’t trust me anymore. I started to lack the drive to call anyone new. I didn’t trust me anymore. If I could be lied to before, why couldn’t I again? And if I’m lied to, I will lie to my clients and make more money off their misfortune. I could take no more.
This 2 year point after my move was key number one. Seems looking back my cycles are in roughly 2 year cycles with highs and lows in between.
I’ll end this here.
Next stop is a new career.
(To be continued)