I’m so totally confused. I don’t know what to do. I’m crying? Where the hell did that come from?
Talked to my wife today. It what I feared might happen. With bills piling up on her plate, she wants me to come home. But not as an “us”, so we can help each other financially. An she figures I’m there more now anyway, why not?
I want to go home so bad. Fuck!
Some part of me thinks if I can go back, maybe I can reconcile with her an work things out. The other part of me thinks if I go back an she goes out anywhere, that I’ll completely lose it an go spiraling down.
Wow, I’ve not cried like this in quite a while. It’s nearly making it hard to write.
If I go home, I get to see my kids every day. If I go home I get to see my wife every day.
If I go home, I will feel the overwhelming guilt again. The guilt of what pain I caused that made this all happen in the first place.
If I go home, I really could end up hurting myself more than I’d like too.
I’m paying rent here now. Not on a lease, but I still pay monthly. If I move back, I’ll split the house payment with her. So essentially I’ll be paying the same I am now.
Financially, it’s not going to help me one way or the other going back home. What it will do is help her. It will help my kids.
But it could also give her money to venture out an off with her friends. Off to places I don’t want to know about.
While that probably won’t happen the way my horrible mind thinks, because it’s always easier to think the worse.
If you just believe the worst will always happen, you will never be let down.
If something then good happens, it’s a great thing.
Where do I go from here? I want to take the offer. I want to move back. But at what cost is that going to be?
Those are all very plausible things that could be the end result.
I’m not afraid of dying. Most times I welcome it to ease my mind. But I dont. I don’t take any actions regardless what my current thoughts might be.
Side note, that half galling of whiskey is going faster than I expected. Opened it yesterday, just about half gone?
I’m only doing shots? Maybe since the plastic shot glasses I found aren’t technically shit glasses and they are 3oz cups. I gotta say, a 3oz shot is a kicker!
Have I been drinking that much since yesterday? Is this the second bottle I’ve bought? I opened this one yesterday? But I’m also fairly sure I’ve been drinking since Thursday too? Did I already go through almost a gallon of whiskey in 3 days?
Wow, ok well whatever. Guess that calls for a shot. Lol. If you can’t beat em, join em right?
Woohoo, that’s nice. Probably shouldn’t condone drinking. Kids, don’t do as I say. It’s improper to drink while on medications. Unless they’re pharmaceutical grade shit. Hahhahsa
Wait where was I going with this? I’m probably had too many. But may take another couple just before I lay down. Gotta get the edge off.
Gotta stop thinking
I’ve got to stop my mind somehow
Come on, where’s the humor in that statement. Thinking involves the mind.
My mind doesn’t want to put himself in a bad situation. Ti put myself in harms direct path. At my house I have plenty of knives, I collected them at one point. Shit I didn’t need a knife last time. Took apart a crappy razor apart and voilà. Instant self love in the house. I still have them from the last time I cut a few weeks ago.
Like others I was a reformed cutter.
AND NO, CUTTING IS NOT A DISEASE.
AL COLOR ADDICTION IS NOT A DISEASE.
Cancer is a disease. Multiple sclerosis is a disease.
1. (Pathology) any impairment of normal physiological function affecting all or part of an organism, esp a specific pathological change caused by infection, stress, etc, producing characteristic symptoms; illness or sickness in general
Kind of lost where I was, alcohol definitely taking over. Lol . Alcoholism isn’t a disease, it’s a coping method for an underlying depression or issue. Mine isn’t underlying anything, it’s right here bitch!
I’m chris an I’m fukkin loony.
Do I or don’t I? Guess I’ll read in a few hours what I just wrote an attempt figure out what the hell I was talking about.
Sorry for the drunkin rant. Kind of funny, I’m less tired now than I was when I took my sleeping pills. Yes, at night I get dosed with a round of sleeping pills, lamictal, an some other round pull I forgot what it’s for.
Gnite I guess. Lol. Not stopping cuz om tired, but because I just plain can’t see the keys anymore.
Have fun ! Be safe!
Oh an one more thing I try to end with when I remember…
I hate being me.