So Confused

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I’m so totally confused. I don’t know what to do. I’m crying? Where the hell did that come from?
Talked to my wife today. It what I feared might happen. With bills piling up on her plate, she wants me to come home. But not as an “us”, so we can help each other financially. An she figures I’m there more now anyway, why not?
I want to go home so bad. Fuck!
Some part of me thinks if I can go back, maybe I can reconcile with her an work things out. The other part of me thinks if I go back an she goes out anywhere, that I’ll completely lose it an go spiraling down.
Wow, I’ve not cried like this in quite a while. It’s nearly making it hard to write.
If I go home, I get to see my kids every day. If I go home I get to see my wife every day.
And
If I go home, I will feel the overwhelming guilt again. The guilt of what pain I caused that made this all happen in the first place.
If I go home, I really could end up hurting myself more than I’d like too.
I’m paying rent here now. Not on a lease, but I still pay monthly. If I move back, I’ll split the house payment with her. So essentially I’ll be paying the same I am now.
Financially, it’s not going to help me one way or the other going back home. What it will do is help her. It will help my kids.
But it could also give her money to venture out an off with her friends. Off to places I don’t want to know about.
While that probably won’t happen the way my horrible mind thinks, because it’s always easier to think the worse.
If you just believe the worst will always happen, you will never be let down.
If something then good happens, it’s a great thing.

Where do I go from here? I want to take the offer. I want to move back. But at what cost is that going to be?
My sanity?
My marriage?
My life?
Those are all very plausible things that could be the end result.
I’m not afraid of dying. Most times I welcome it to ease my mind. But I dont. I don’t take any actions regardless what my current thoughts might be.
Side note, that half galling of whiskey is going faster than I expected. Opened it yesterday, just about half gone?
I’m only doing shots? Maybe since the plastic shot glasses I found aren’t technically shit glasses and they are 3oz cups. I gotta say, a 3oz shot is a kicker!
Have I been drinking that much since yesterday? Is this the second bottle I’ve bought? I opened this one yesterday? But I’m also fairly sure I’ve been drinking since Thursday too? Did I already go through almost a gallon of whiskey in 3 days?

Wow, ok well whatever. Guess that calls for a shot. Lol. If you can’t beat em, join em right?

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Woohoo, that’s nice. Probably shouldn’t condone drinking. Kids, don’t do as I say. It’s improper to drink while on medications. Unless they’re pharmaceutical grade shit. Hahhahsa

Wait where was I going with this?  I’m probably had too many. But may take another couple just before I lay down. Gotta get the edge off.
Gotta stop thinking
I’ve got to stop my mind somehow
Come on, where’s the humor in that statement. Thinking involves the mind.

My mind doesn’t want to put himself in a bad situation. Ti put myself in harms direct path. At my house I have plenty of knives, I collected them at one point. Shit I didn’t need a knife last time. Took apart a crappy razor apart and voilà. Instant self love in the house. I still have them from the last time I cut a few weeks ago.
Like others I was a reformed cutter.

AND NO, CUTTING IS NOT A DISEASE.
AL COLOR ADDICTION IS NOT A DISEASE.
Cancer is a disease. Multiple sclerosis is a disease.

disease (dɪˈziːz)
n
1. (Pathology) any impairment of normal physiological function affecting all or part of an organism, esp a specific pathological change caused by infection, stress, etc, producing characteristic symptoms; illness or sickness in general

Kind of lost where I was, alcohol definitely taking over. Lol . Alcoholism isn’t a disease, it’s a coping method for an underlying depression or issue. Mine isn’t underlying anything, it’s right here bitch!
I’m chris an I’m fukkin loony.

HOME

Do I or don’t I? Guess I’ll read in a few hours what I just wrote an attempt figure out what the hell I was talking about.

Sorry for the drunkin rant. Kind of funny, I’m less tired now than I was when I took my sleeping pills. Yes, at night I get dosed with a round of sleeping pills, lamictal, an some other round pull I forgot what it’s for.

Gnite I guess. Lol. Not stopping cuz om tired, but because I just plain can’t see the keys anymore.
Have fun ! Be safe!
Oh an one more thing I try to end with when I remember…

I hate being me.

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7 responses to “So Confused

  1. I know the feeling, however I have a hate/love relationship with my” crazy”.
    When it’s inactive, I’m functioning on a purely robotic level… but when it’s active, my creative spirit is unleashed and can produce amazing things (in addition to erratic temperaments).
    But what is the cost?
    Blah
    Whatevs 😕

    Like

    • Lmfao, why the hell would you think that?? I want honesty. I need it!
      I think I’m more confused now than last night 😥
      So much of me wants to. But I left, not her. I left because of me and my guilt. I couldn’t take seeing her at that point. Now it’s different, we hang out alone occasionally. But it’s not an “us” hangout.
      I’m just not sure I could handle being there and not being with her..
      I just don’t know what to do…Please help me

      Like

      • I said the pissed off thing because a few days ago you made a comment about me being pretty and sweet and that it kind of pisses you off. I asked you why it pisses you off but you never answered…

        I don’t know all the ins and outs of the situation but I think going back is worth a shot. Your marriage may or may not be able to be saved. But your kids definitely need you in their life. They need a dad. That alone is worth the hell it might cause for a while in other areas. We go through hell for the people we love, otherwise it wouldn’t be love.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Lol, I don’t remember what post it was. I’m confused remember?
      I said that before because your always just so sweet and positive and say some of the nicest things.
      And yes, it pisses me off sometimes when I’m in a down mood, no matter how down, you can bring tears of joy back.
      The hopeful.
      Perfect example is your post just now. You believe so strongly in me and you don’t even know me outside of here. Yet your kind thoughts an gestures are that of a long time close acquaintance.
      So, it was a sarcastic comment of mine but I do thank you from the bottom of my heart. When things get rough and I think that there are no good people left in the world, you are there to remind me that I’m wrong. ;-*

      Like

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