An Odd Feeling


So, I’m experiencing something I didn’t quite expect. I’m home, my home, till Sunday. I kinda expected that feeling you get when your on a trip somewhere and get home again.
But I just feel off. It’s nothing I did. It’s nothing my wife did. I just feel off? I’m sure how else to explain it.
My only thought is the lack of feelings I’ve been experiencing. Which may be a good idea right now.
If I’m going to pull off moving back in, then I really think I will need to lower my emotions. Sounds more rational than my previous wreck of a self.
As I laid down in the spare bedroom last night I starred at the ceiling. Wondering in my mind if this was something I would be able to handle. Not just coming back and it not being as a couple. But just coming back an being here full time at all.
My doctor said it will be my best test. It will be. Until I know that I can be in a previously stressful an emotionally over the top environment, I won’t know if I can handle myself moving forward.
But on the other hand, say I cant. Say I move back and 2 weeks later I realize I can’t be here. I’m not sure if I can again, pack all my shit and move back out again. That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The only reason I didn’t completely lose it is that shortly afterwards I went away for 2 weeks an didn’t have time to fully think about it.
Well….my other best friend said that she believed if there was ever a chance to fix what was broken in my marriage, then this will be it. My doctor also made a good point, if she’s not asking for a divorce yet then hope is not lost yet. And if nothing else, I will get all of the extra time with my kids.
I miss my kids. I swear, they seem to be changing so much in these last few months. Guess that’s what separation does to a kid. Forces you to grow up just a bit faster.

So…i guess when we get a chance to sit down an talk about the details of it, I’ll take the offer and move back in.
It’s an odd thought that moving back in could help me move forward?

I guess only time will tell. :/


6 responses to “An Odd Feeling

  1. I would think if you don’t take the chance you will likely regret it for the rest of your life regardless of how things turn out. If it doesn’t work out at least you tried. Don’t let your fear hold you back. 😉


  2. I guess there is some logic to the thinking that we should not make big decisions when our minds are not clear. But that can be harder for those of us with depression. Rather than focusing on the small stuff, maybe look at the big picture and the benefits that you will get from moving back in? Times change and people change.
    cheers Glenn


  3. Thanks Glenn, today has been a very interesting and enlightening day. The hopeful post I did earlier was the first time I’ve been hopeful about anything.
    Not necessarily hopeful about my marriage, but hopeful that I am going to take control of my life. After 35 years of suffering and depression, it feels like the world is lifting it’s veil and finally allowing me a rest.


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