The Rantings of a Crazy Person


About 15 years ago I had an epiphany. It was during a manic moment. At the time I was doing a lot of drugs, drinking, etc…you all know the drill.
I copied this from a journal I wrote about 15 years ago. It was one of those nights. Lol

I didn’t sleep today. I think i did my last line of coke around 4:30am this morning, that’s when i decided it was time to stop for the night. Plus i couldn’t understand what we were watching on TV anymore. hahahaa, ohh i had soo much fun. 

Ok, first off…I don’t necessarily believe in a “god” such as my catholic upbringing taught me. I am too scientific in nature to believe in something that is not proven to me through data of some sort. Its hard for me to understand how one can have the “faith” in someone else’s theory. I went to church on every sunday for the first fifteen yrs of my life. Most in my family still go. When i got old enough to ask questions, that’s when i started asking about the how and why of everything. The why’s of life. I do believe most of those things in the bible did happen. Everything was documented from what the people there saw and interacted with at that time. Given those same events were to happen now, there may be a whole different story to be told.
The theory of a higher being is still just that, a theory. For people to believe in “God” they have to have “faith” that what they were told is fact without ever seeing it. I am sorry for those that this may offend, but i cannot fall into this category. I do believe there IS something mystical about creation. There is something also better than what we, as humans, know about out there.
One of the things I believe is that every single person on this planet in past, present, and future has a single goal in life….or one might call it a destiny. Throughout our lives we are presented with choices. Through these choices, we continue forward. While some of these decisions may be correct, most are not…but we always have a chance at the prize. No matter how far off the beaten path of life, almost every decision we make is reversible to a point. This would be the “dreams” of we want to be when we grow up part. I think there is a seed that is planted in our heads upon birth. From that, we live our lives. While some of our “dreams” may be far fetched, the real…true…one is there. All we need to do is find it.


For those who don’t like my picture, kiss my ass. I had time at lunch to draw an used my phone. It’s not my original as I don’t know where the hell that went too. On with the story….
This is where i would typically have you look at the pic. The purple circle is our Starting Point of life. You can see that as a person grows, there are branches to that straight line. The main line leads to the green triangle i call the Prize,  which i will get to later on in my the theory.
So….during our march forward at each of the stopping points there is cross that marks a intervention point. Most of every branch has a similar choice that will end you up back to the main line. But there are some bad choices also. These would be my version of an  “anti-christ”. This person takes it upon him/herself to take away from the mystical maze that was layd out before us to complete. Those demons try to take what they can before they are removed. At that point their soul/aura has to be cleaned and put back in the maze. Depending on how bad this person was, they may have to become one of the Key people as punishment to make up for wrong doings. Key people can stay with you your entire life, guiding you along your journey. Other key people give us that one lil push we needed to take that lunge forward. That is where you would see the red dots.
This is where some huge choice is brought before us. At this point there can be: Marriage, Divorce, Meeting of someone New, Re-entering of someone Old, or any major Move in your Life. It is at these points that everything in your life changes. It is at these points that the introduction of new people are most important.
Now I bet your wondering what the Prize is, or what happens when we get there….Well I believe at that point, we achieve our true potential in life. We give our gift to society that has never been done in such a way as we have done it. Whether it is a artistic, poetic, or a scientific gift…everyone can have the chance at their own greatness. After we have given ourselves to the world, we may live in a total blissful happiness that most do not know. And after that, this is where one would consider ascending to “heaven”. The place I describe to be where all things are equal, honorable, and peaceful.
Ok, I know how curious you can be and are probably wondering why there are blue starting points past the prize. Well, I also believe in re-incarnation. Life is cyclical. When we, as humans, live our lives…we don’t always listen to what we are told. While we may have never done anything wrong in our lives, we had that “dream” and ignored it because of one reason or another. Life is full of choices; some are easy, and of course some are not soo easy. It isn’t easy for that teenager to have a vision to be a doctor/artist/watever if that vision doesn’t agree with their parents. Or it might be that it is more expensive than your able to do. Or its real far away and your a pussy that cant leave home…LOL.
A next issue is that “soul mate” word/concept. I do believe in this. I believe there is one and only one person in this world that is the absolute/correct/perfect person for you to be with. Now, this person isn’t always living next door…nor is this person always the first one you choose to be a mate. I know, in relationships, there is always the feeling that the “grass is greener on the other side”…I believe the only time there is this feeling is when that person is not the “one” for them. While i have yet to engage in life with this person, I do know she is out there for me. When we live and have made wrong decisions, that’s when we are to start over. This is where I believe some of our night-time dreams come from. Yes, suggestion plays a role in those sometimes….I think the vivid ones are flashes left over from past lives. The feeling of Deja Vu plagues everyone at some point or another. Hopefully these concepts aren’t too far fetched for you to imagine. I know people can have a open mind, when you look at it all in a bigger picture….it doesn’t seem that unbelievable.

Ok…now im gonna go off the deep edge a bit. I also believe that most people are not supposed to know about the things i have told you. This is what some could call the meaning of life…the final answer to why we are here. I think that sometimes in history, there are certain people that can see this pattern. They take such a far look away from it that it seems obvious. These people are special. No, they aren’t genius’z…they are the ones who walk around in life watching people. They are often found smiling at you because of a action you took.
Now, these special people…once they see the outline, or map of life, they start doing things with it. This is also where they can become a demon. They know things others do not know and have the opportunity to take advantage of it. But yet, also the ability to help others along the way. These special people, they are usually the ones who don’t come back because they can see where they need to go, and how to get there. I believe these people also have one more bad ability. The ability to “share” their knowledge with others about the maze. While this corruption in the maze could be volatile when told to certain people, it may also help out the needy who are looking for direction.

OK, here it comes….I believe that i am one of these people. No, i do not know my chosen path yet..I feel that only through the major traumatic past have I become one. I always was the one who was sitting on the edge of the group just watching and listening. Of course, I do have a tendency to be the one in the center of attention also, but HEY..I was diagnosed somewaT crazy…gimme a break…Only in the last five yrs have I understood that there was something that i was missing. Something was going on that I didn’t think anyone else was paying attention too. I was thrown outside of reality for an extended period of time. During that time, I was forced to look at myself and life in ways that most people never do. I examined everything I have ever done, all my choices i have ever made. I found that I have certain things about me that everyone does not posses. While some may consider this delusional, I see things that are not there. At times i have attempted conversation with these things, only a few times has it worked. The Meds i take have made those things appear less and less. (just cuz Zyprexa is for schizophrenia, it doesn’t mean those things aren’t real??) Those things I used to see made everything make sense. There really was something going on. I studied many religions and their concepts on life. No one religion made enough sense for me, so I started to gather in all like ideas. From there, I make my own way. Most religions started at the same point. All the way back to Jesus is where almost all forms originated. Yes, I understand that tons more are still out there, but this is where i took most of my theories from…well, that and Buddhism. Only when someone didn’t agree with everything that was going on is when another religion was formed. I am in no way/form even attempting to start a cult. hahaha.
I just don’t hold any specific title of religious name…baptist, catholic, Buddhism, muslim, watever….I don’t know what I am going to do with this new-found knowledge. It was like a light bulb went on inside my head . I think I will find “my” path in the maze. After I find out what I was meant to do, I plan on helping everyone around me to find theirs.


7 responses to “The Rantings of a Crazy Person

  1. Wow, reminds me of my delusional thinking prior to being prescribed seroquel. I too thought that I played a large role in some cosmic plan that few others knew about, even though I was an atheist, and that I just had to be in order to succeed. Turns out no effort and direction left me floundering and my career spiraled backwards. The cognitive dissonance in my mind has been resolved by seroquel and now I live in reality. And it is great!


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