Exercise

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I love this. It’s inspirational and real like my mind. Not that fluffy bullshit.

Well I can say I’m finally starting to see results from my exercising. I still think I’m a fat bastard. Looking in the mirror, I still hate who I see in it.
But I also see someone who is not as fat anymore. Yes I’ve lost weight. But I was just thinner an jiggling. Looked like ass. But it’s starting to turn the corner.

The yoga started off for mental settling. Calming of the mind. Allowing myself to shut out the inner demon, even just for an hour. And it works while I’m doing it. But I started to need more.
I always need more of everything. I’m never content with what I have. Over a short period of time I start to crave it. Not sure what part of my mental illness that is fueled by, but it’s who I’ve always been.
When i was young, I would work out a little here an there. By the end of high school, I would workout 3 hours a day and have football or track practice after school got out.
Maybe it’s just punishment? I like to push myself past where normal people can go.

Either way, it’s starting again. I’ve added in a few other items for exercise. Pilates and a ab workout.
I’m sure after a month or so I’ll add in more too.
If I’m going to do it, i may as well do it right. I enjoy the pain.

The pain is feeling

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I’ve lost my feelings. I can barely feel anything anymore. But pain means I’m still here. It’s all I have to hold on to now a days.

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