Welcome Back

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It’s inevitable.

It’s not like I haven’t tried. Just failed. Like pretty much everything else I’ve done.

My psychiatrist would say this way of thinking is illogical. And he would be right.

Im not terminally ill.
There’s nothing physically wrong with me.

But here it is, as it was before, and will be again, until the day it wins.

Tried cutting, never got deep enough. Felt too good to stop.
Tried pills. Lots of times. But I kept waking up, sometimes days later.
Tried hanging myself, cops took me away for a few days. Assholes.
Tried swimming out in the ocean until I couldn’t swim anymore. The tide that should have taken me further out brought me back in.

All the times I’ve come close, something keeps pulling me out. The proverbial angel on my shoulder.

I hate being told what to do

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9 responses to “Welcome Back

  1. Have you ever tried seroquel? It is an antipsychotic and is used to treat BiPolar. and it has worked wonders for me.

    Pristiq, an SNRI, made my suicidal ideations worse, even setting a date, whereas seroquel gave immediate relief from the suicidal thoughts, even at the lowest dosage of 25mg.

    Just a thought 🙂

    Like

  2. Your post was so hard to read, and made me so sad. I have often felt that it’s inevitable that one day I will kill myself. I really really really hope that I die of natural causes, or, you know, in a car accident, or something that isn’t me causing it. I know it would KILL my family, and I love my family and I’m very close to them. So I’m trying, very hard, to come up with a reason to live. So far it’s just that I can’t do it to my family. Hopefully I can come up with more as time goes on. I hope you can come up with some reasons too.

    Like

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