Still Confused

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Took a couple extra sleeping pills a little bit ago. Not enough to do anything intentional. I don’t have enough to do anything serious.

Washed it down with some captain. I love the captain.

How much sleep does it take to forget who you are?

Forget what you’ve become.

Just to forget.

What else would I need to take to make that happen. Is there anything that can make you forget?

I read ECT can make you forget things. I wonder if that’s something that i can sign up for somewhere. Like a dentist appointment.

Yeah, I’d like to schedule an appointment please.
Just do it every couple of weeks.

How do you leave everything you have and move away, yet still have your children? If I’m not around, how do I see them. How do I pick my son up from school?
When do I get to play football with him?

How do I move on with my life and still live here?
I’m beginning to think this move was a bad idea. I’ve only been here a week and a half.

Felt like YES, I’m going to get stronger. I’m going to pull through this and come out the other side better.
But as all of my good ideas go, it turns out it wasn’t a good idea.

I’m not getting stronger.
I’m not getting better.
I don’t want to be here.
I don’t want to be anywhere.

Funniest shit ever

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I found this online and it was an exact excerpt my my conversation with my wife a few hours ago.
She used to know me. Know when i was lying. I’ve perfected the face. 25 years of depression, I’ve got it down pact by now. But she know me.
This is where i felt a change. She knew I was lying. Looked me right in the eyes. Said nothing.
That’s when i said to stop looking. If she’s not going to really look an care, then she will. But fake caring is bullshit.

I’ve gotten back to crying about every night again. Over just nothing. The tears just start rolling out..

I just turned on my phone. Noticed this didn’t get posted last night. Must have fallen unconscious before I hit the post button

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13 responses to “Still Confused

  1. I’m worried about you!!! I think you need to see the doctor STAT!!! We can commit suicide accidentally on purpose. I think you are very seriously in danger. PLEASE CALL YOUR DOCTOR. Your life is worth saving. I will be thinking of you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m worried about you too. This did seem to just sneak up all of a sudden. Ride it out and don’t do anything stupid. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you it will all be okay.

    Like

  3. BiPolar is a bitch. And when not treated properly, or at all, can lead you into very dark places, as it did me. I hated my past too but seroquel for my BiPolar has given me a new perspective and a new lease on life.
    Now that I properly understand my past I can deal with it. And it all makes sense. The contradictions in my brain resolved.
    And, for me, the wrong medication exacerbated my symptoms.

    Like

    • I think this is the first time I’ve just gone to the bar myself. It’s a nice quiet time. Sports bar. Doesn’t hurt the waitresses are in tiny skirts an shirts. Lol
      But I’m just being me right now. I’ve really never just been me. I either sit back and watch the ongoing stupidity, or I’m the show.
      I’ve never just hung out at the bar. So this is new for me. Granted, alcohol shouldn’t be my only reason to be myself. But it’s what I do.
      I do things that aren’t good for me. I appreciate the suggestions and advice.
      I wish the waves would stop, but i think that’s asking for a miracle.

      Like

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