Home from the bar. Safe and Sound.
What a obnoxious thing to say. What is safe anyway?
I think I’m going to apply for a promotion this week. Probably won’t get it, but it’s worth a try. I figure if I can get it, i may be able to move away an transfer to another location easier.
I think I’m fooling myself to thinking being here will be any good for anything or anyone. Yes the kids seem happier.
But do I put my feelings aside just to make them happy? I am happy to see them. I love spending time with them. Hanging out with my son.
But I can’t be here.
Hell, I don’t want a be anywhere right now. I thought about what would happen if someone were to break in my house. I’d ask them to shoot me.
Probably the alcohol talking, but i really don’t fukkin care right now.
I had a recurring dream the last few nights. Woke up in a sweat.
Not exactly the same dream, but very similar. Has to mean something.
I woke up 2 nights this week sweating.
I don’t remember anything but one part of each dream.
I woke up to seeing a work truck in front of me driving. The kind where pipes an poles were on a rack. The truck hits a big bump and pipes start falling off. One lucky pipe hits my windshield an goes into the middle of my chest. I just remember coasting to a stop and watching the blood pump out of my chest. Then I woke up.
Nearly the same dream. Except for the work truck. This time it was a landscape company. Tree limbs and palm fronds were in a dumpster they were pulling. And again, they hit something and branches came flying down. One branch made it through the windshield an stuck in my chest. Again I just watched it.
Why 2 dreams almost the same?
Why am I watching myself dying every night?
Tonight on my way back from the bar there was a truck in front of me. Very similar to the one in my dream. Instead of rushing past like i usually do, I stayed close behind. Waiting for my branch.
Obviously it never came.
So do I follow every truck until something happens? The law of averages says eventually something will if I wait long enough.
Think I’m gonna find a new place to cut. My arms are too much in the open. Too easy to see. Maybe I’ll try my legs again. They just didn’t give me the release as my arms did. I need some relief.
I did take extra sleeping pills again a few minutes ago. I’m still buzzing pretty good from the bar. Made myself another rum an soda to wash it down. Just one or two more pills. Few here, few there.
Would anyone really miss me if I was gone. I talk and my brain replies. My brain always has an answer. It’s not the crazy voices telling me to do something stupid. It’s a regular voice. Just answering me back. But right now it doesn’t have an answer. I don’t know what to do.
Does anyone have any other suggestions?