Interesting Night

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After last night, I had internally hoped I wouldn’t wake up this morning.
But here I am.
Here as always.

I’m a Leo, do I have 9 lives?
Is that why I keep getting saved?
Will I eventually run out of lives?

So tonight I decided again that I was going out drinking. Because what helps the most?

Alcohol and medication.

I expected to be alone again tonight at the bar. But after 15 minutes a buddy showed up. We talked an drank for an hour, then another buddy showed up. The second guy is cool. Not sure why, but from day one him an I were friends.
He sits down an starts rattling off about how things are with his girlfriend. Her depression. Drinking. Drugs. Everything else I’ve done. And what medication she’s on now. Now remember there are 3 of us there, but he’s talking to me.
The other guy that was there says he didn’t know what to say. So I chime in, meditation is tough. I’m on a lot too. Guy telling the story just smiles. The other buddy looks over at me as has that bewildered look.
He asks, why are you on medications?
And chiming in, the other guy says because he’s bipolar man. You didn’t notice?

I’ve never told either of these guys anything. But he knew all along what I was going through. His girlfriend is bipolar. He’s read a ton of books on how to deal with a loved one. How to recognize the signs. He said it was fairly obvious to him about me.

Kinda shocked me. I didn’t realize internally that i allowed anyone else to see behind my mask. Apparently the books he read let him see through the veil.

After the cat was outta the bag, he starts talking about how things are going. How she’s acting. How much it’s effecting him.
And every word he said hit home just one more cut into my heart. Everything she is doing, I’ve done to my wife. Listening to his struggle. Wondering how much more he cam take.
Fuck.
It was all I could do to not burst out into tears at the bar. And I’m sure that would have gone great. Bunch of guys at a sports bar an I lose it….
LOL
I think I’ll probably be hanging out with him more often. There is such insight to having the other side of the story. Not sure if I could meet his girlfriend though. I’ve met her kinda before and she is hot as fuck. Knowing how I’ve been over the years, I know what could happen.
I’m a piece of shit. But I’m a fairly attractive ane. I’ve gotten more than my share of women. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I took something from a friend. I’m not that person anymore.

So I’m home safe. Not that I give a shit if I’m ok or not. My leg is a little itchy. Still doesn’t hurt. At some point I must have passed out last night and dropped my blade on the bed. I found a few more cuts randomly around me that I don’t remember doing.
My sense of pain seems so dulled up that not even a razor can make me feel…

After a long day of drinking and pretending, I’m exhausted.
I swear, if I had to talk to him for another half hour I would have lost it.
How did I used to end this….

Oh.

I hate being me

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