So I’m still exercising just about every day. Seems those are the only times I’m feeling good. Not sure how I could inject more pheromones on a more long term span as the euphoric feeling only lasts a short period of time.
Then depending on how I was before, it seems to down further at times. Guess it’s just my rapid cycling again kicking in. I wish that would slow, it’s getting mentally exhausting.
Right now I’m fine. Hours later I could be crying again. Fucking bullshit I say.

As I was exercising last night, I was doing an ab routine. With my legs raised, my shorts fell down an my recent cutting showed very plainly. I’m not resorting to exercise in my room. I don’t want to chance my family seeing them.
I’m not ashamed of them. I know why I did it. But at the same time, if my wife were to see them I’m not sure how she would react.

Things here have definitely been different since I moved back. She has pulled back from me. Our prior friendship seems faltering. I’m not sure if she thinks if we were as close friends as before that I would push for more since I’m staying here now? So in turn, she’s backed off quite a bit.
We barely talk anymore. She hasn’t come within 3 feet of me in quite a while. It’s very depressing itself.
While i would love to be working on what’s left of our relationship, I also just want my friend back. She was my best friend. To now also have lost or losing that is testing my mental strength to its limits. And I’m not sure if I can keep on the right side of it.

I’m beginning to get concerned about myself. I’ve wanted to be honest with her, but i dont feel like I can. I’m scared that if I am, she will either pull further away or push me out of the house again.

I still hate being me


2 responses to “Concerned

  1. Maybe if you talk to her she will get a better understanding?
    If you’re feeling awkward then so, most likely, is she, And this seems to be reflected in her pulling away.
    She has allowed you back so this suggests she loves you and wants to support you.
    But you may need to tell her how best to do that.
    She is not a mind reader.
    Unless you tell her, she will never understand.
    And you’re not a mind reader either.
    You don’t know what she is thinking unless you ask her.
    Maybe talk to her about just fostering the friendship as that is what is most important to you now.

    And with the exercise I don’t get the rush for long either, not like others say they do. But then my brain chemistry needs balancing by meds so I try not to compare myself to others so much as it’s like comparing apples and oranges.
    I try to focus on the fact that I am doing it and it has benefits for me.

    And I know that it is a lot easier said than done but maybe the best way for your family not to see the evidence of cutting is to not cut. Next time you have the urge to cut, think about the consequences and how it will adversely impact on your life and relationships.

    Mate, I suggest being honest with her, take advantage of the opportunity that she has given you. It’s up to you how close you allow the friendship to be.

    You have an opportunity to make things better. I am single and have no such potential support.

    But one day I hope that, with my medication stable, I will have a relationship. But that will necessarily involve being open and honest about what I am going through; the ups and the downs.


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