Where to go from here…

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It’s like going through the motions. Not really living, but existing where you shouldn’t.
While I’ve done ok living back at my home again, I’m not doing ok. Not really.
I’m still cutting myself. Can’t seem to shake the swings. I’ve never had this much cycling of my moods.

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Such a constant battle. A battle which I am losing.
So I’m thinking of making a change. There is an opportunity for a position in a North Carolina, where I’ve wanted to live in for a long time. As a matter of fact, I nearly moved there before I came to Florida. Even went as far as booking a hotel an staying a few days just to see how it was.
But Florida seemed like a better idea at the time.
Being here I will never be able to move on with my life. My wife doesn’t want me back. Us living together is fine for the kids, but it doesn’t feel like a family. It feels like I’m with My kids one minute and the next I’m alone.
And that’s truly how it is. I don’t have a spouse to hold.
So. What do I do? How much longer can we hold up this charade. The pretend family. Playing house.

I think I’m going to put in some applications up there an see what happens. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? I move on my own…and kill myself with pills, alcohol, drugs, or a combination of all of them?
Been there, done that.

I’ve lived through worse times in my life. I’ve pushed everyone else away after enough time. Maybe I can get a place near the mountains an be alone?

I hate being me

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3 responses to “Where to go from here…

  1. Wow. Our posts seems similar today.

    Don’t know what to tell you. I will say this though, I am originally from NC. Beautiful state. I’ve lived all over. Beaufort, Asheville, Greensboro. I say go for it. What do you have to lose?

    Like

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