I feel all of these now.

I feel depressed
I feel defeated
I feel guilty
I feel condemned
I feel ashamed
I feel unworthy

Unless I plan on ending my life, I know these feelings will never go away. They are too much a part of me.

So with that in mind, I decided to apply for a transfer for position thats an hour away from my home.

If I moved, I didn’t want to stay in Florida. It’s too damn hot here. But I just can’t bring myself to leave my kids. My son in particular. He and I have grown so close in the last few years. He started out as a mommas boy, but as he aged he is starting to follow me more.

All my life I’ve hated my father. From when I was little, I have no memories of him ever doing anything but yelling at me. As I grew older, all I got was disrespect.  Then when my parents got divorced I just didn’t see him.

My oldest daughter was an only child. I split from her mom when she was around 8. Difference was we still talked. She became stronger as an only child, taking care of herself. Her mom is an idiot, money hungry bitch. My daughter isn’t her. She’s me. I have to laugh, my daughter tells her all the time she can’t understand how without me being there why she’s exactly like me.

My middle daughter is also strong. She falters from time to time, but she always comes back

With my son, I’m being the father I never had. I’m doing the things I wish had happened. We’re  playing ball, video games, watching and laughing at movies an tv shows. Just plain talking to him.

I can’t leave that or I may become what I’ve hated all my life.

I’m a runner. When things get bad, I run. I’ve always done that. But this time it’s going to be different.

It has to be.


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