Why isn’t it this easy?


I bought an air freshener today from the simple reason of what it said the “scent” was…

Its called happy?

I sat alone in my room for an hour, smelling the aroma of happy. Bringing in the air, breath after breath.

And then it hit me.

I’ve been crying now for about half an hour.
I just feel broken.
Like a bird who can’t fly.

How does things change so fast? I want understand it, but it just is incomprehensible. 

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I looked at the pictures I took every chance I had.

I didn’t have a bad day at work. Nothing bad happened after work.
As a mater of fact, I made a batch of cookies a few hours ago. Listening to happy, heartfelt music.

I probably don’t have a good voice, but I love to sing. I like all kinds of music, but I only sing r&b. The soft melodies.

Sitting here I’m starting to understand what caused this fast swing.

My music. It comes from the heart. It rejoices with love and affection …

And right now I have none. I used to sing those songs to my wife. I love her so much still…

And tonight I sang to an empty house. Hearing my voice bouncing off the walls. Sounded like it was being pushed away like same ends of a magnet.

I’ve never felt so alone here.

I just read a post by someone about divorce. Funny how it popped up today. He says it was a repost from a year ago.

For him, it’s been 5 years since his divorce and he just now is starting to heal fully.

When this comes to pass, it will be my second one.
Today feels like a weight has been set upon my chest. Im having trouble breathing.

Suicide is an easy way out. But I’m stubborn, I’ve never taken the easy way for anything.

Mixing these feelings and bipolar…I feel as though my heart may truly stop on its own.
Something is wrong with my heart. Never found out what except that I’d didn’t look quite right on the machines. But it wasn’t consistent enough for them to look any deeper.

My heart will one day give out. I will pay there, on my kitchen floor. Begging for help. But I will be alone. Nobody to hear my plea.
Just like the echoes of my singing.

We all die alone.


3 responses to “Why isn’t it this easy?

  1. Ha, if only it were that simple! I used to be very heavily into aromatherapy, spent a small fortune over the years. Used some for concentration and alertness. They never really had any healing effect although some of them did smell nice.


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