How does one start?



What the fuck.

How the hell do you start?

I would guess me getting out of hiding would be a place to work off of but that’s just  thought.
I can’t make it out of my hole. I’m buried in depression and guilt.
How do I pretend to find someone amusing if I feel like a piece of shit? Why would anyone want to talk to me?

I look physically decent, or so I’ve been told. I’ve been told a lot of things over the years. But getting to know me would turn off even the drunkest girl.

I’m scared as my self esteem lowers, my standards will as well. Not that I’ve ever given a shit what she looked like.
I’ve fucked all kinds at one point or another.
But I’ve never been here before. I can barely leave the house anymore. I go to work and rush home.
Think I’m afraid to meet anyone. Every time I go somewhere I’m the one getting flirted with now. My lion has turned into a scared kitten. I brush them off, put my head down, and keep going.

My OCD seems to be getting worse. I can’t stop fidgeting. Rubbing. Picking. Something.

I just plain don’t know what to do?

How do I move forward?


4 responses to “How does one start?

  1. I wish I had some good advice!!! I’m sorry things are really difficult right now, and I hope they turn around soon! Hang in there…I admire you for writing when you’ve going through so much!


  2. Relationships can be tricky at the best of times, let alone when mental illness complicates things further. I’m just starting with making some friends first and has proved to be a wonderful tool for connecting with people with similar interests. I am more interested in non-sexual companionship but that is proving hard too.


    • Non-sexual companionship is difficult. Personally I’ve found myself over my past having friends that turned into sexual partner. Not always the best outcome.
      At this point for me, I’d just like to have someone lay on top of me for a bit. Lol
      I’m just not willing to pay for it 😉


  3. Now that my extreme sexual obsession is gone I have realised that I have no sexual desire/arousal. It also helps me realise why I was never able to have a relationship (only had one and that was problematic). I could never give what the other person wanted and that they gave me. One of my best friends always wanted a relationship with me, so I told him I just wanted to be friends, no more sex. He never gave up and neither did I: as much as he wanted a relationship I did not. He was a great guy who was very sociable and loving. He passed away last year at the not ripe old age of 42. I sometimes wonder how different things may have turned out if I had been diagnosed and medicated back then? If the crazy had been recognized?The problem was I lacked the insight to see how screwed up I was, and sought no help.
    At the moment I am working on making more friends: YAY meetup. The theatre group and a support group I belong to have a few nice gay guys and we enjoy each others company, so that will do for now.
    Or forever, I keep getting them mixed up.
    But it would be nice to have someone to cuddle up to and release the oxytocin: what they are calling the “love hormone”.


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