Medication and Alcohol

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I’ve always been told that I shouldn’t mix alcohol and medication. But like the stubborn dumbass I am, I never listen an drink as much as possible. I’d like to say that mixing the two doesn’t effect me at all, but I’m not sure. Its very possible that its one of the things making me so depressed. I have definitely been drinking more now than I have in quite a while.
Take tonight for example, just got home from the bar. We get a slight discount since were regulars at the bar. But I still managed to spend almost $40.
So I’m fairly plowed right now.

I’m just plain done.
I’m done with being here.

I’m so tired of just existing.
I’m so tired of living day to day.

The monotony is killing me, I don’t need to help it.

Have you ever just sat there an hurt so bad inside that you feel like your chest is melting?
Something is burning your heart out?

What is the face of depression?

Is there a face? A look? A specific quality about someone that says, hey I’m fucked up in the head?

The face of someone depressed is just like your neighbor. Its the guy you thought was fine. Its you. Its me.

Taken a few weeks ago. I hate taking pictures of me. Guess its mostly cuz I hate me?

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Does this look like a person who is completely depressed? A person who could care less about himself or if anything were to happen to him?
A person who cuts? A person who likes to cut? A person who has such low self esteem about themselves that looking at this picture they want to cut their face out of it because if the ugliness inside?
I think I’ve posted a picture or two of me. Didn’t ever plan on it for fear of someone I’ve done wrong in my life seeing it an hunting me down. At this point, I welcome it.
Please, just do it.
I’m just worn out. I can’t take much more. My heart doesn’t want to beat anymore. It calls out in agony, asking for forgiveness.

Please forgive me for the pain I’ve caused all my life.
Forgive my sins.

Let me go in peace please. I can’t take much more of this life.

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9 responses to “Medication and Alcohol

    • Thank you. I write what I feel. Everything. Good and bad.
      I’ve been told quite a few times that I’m strong for saying my thoughts out loud because most won’t. Or at least most won’t tell everything.
      I feel what do I have to lose?

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  1. It’s pointless for me to say I have been there bla bla bla. All I know is that when alchohol was taken away from me, my quality of life really changed. I’m still depressed, I still have my original diagnosis, but I know alcohols depressant agents and long term brain damaging effects, isn’t going to add to my problems. It’s fucking hard. But I’m just doing other things instead – being productive and it’s making me feel like a proper human. Accepting I might be alone forever, accepting life is pointless and painful and just making it work the best I can. I don’t know what your dependence on alcohol is but you probably need some help like I did

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  2. I am probably twice your age and feel motherly towards you, so please don’t take this the wrong way – when I saw your photo, I thought that you are so handsome, intelligent and kind-looking…. and I would NEVER imagine you suffer the way you do.

    It kills me to read that you are in pain. I’ve been there. For years, literally. I was hopeless and asked to be hospitalized twice for wanting to kill myself. I would have done it except I had two little ones.

    I asked for ECT and it helped me get out of the suicidal thinking but I was still down. Finally, after trying 20 meds, and also after trying the med-free” lifestyle that almost killed me too, I went back on lithium, and an MAOI.

    MAOI’s are for “treatment-resistant” bipolar depression & work best w/lithium, but all of my previous dumbf*ck shrinks never thought to suggest it.

    I have only just started following your blog, but I wondered what are you doing in terms of meds? Forgive me for not reading the archives….hang in there, you’re in my thoughts. You deserve so much better and I hope you feel better stat!!!!!!

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    • Lmfao, twice my age?? Very doubtful. If that is your picture, then it must be taken 20 years ago. That would be the only way your that much older. Haha
      My birthday is in 2 weeks, I turn 42. So you at 84 is just looney.
      I appreciate the sweetness of your comments. It does makes me feel a bit better. I’ve been feeling so low lately, that i feel ugly inside and out. 😦
      Looking at that picture, I think it was probably more like 3 months ago. Not 3 weeks ago. Didn’t notice till now that I was wearing a sweatshirt. I’m in Florida, it’s not possible to wear that now.

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      • Okay, now I’m the one who is laughing! My picture is from this past year, ha ha, so I was 43…I am glad my comment helped a bit – I hope with all my heart that you are feeling a little better. No one should have to feel so low, especially you. I’ll never understand it. I’m not one who says “I’m blessed with bipolar” because to me it’s pure Satan.

        This past week I’ve had some setbacks. It was so difficult for me that I couldn’t drink!! Some people on MAOI’s like me do take chances with alcohol, but I’m not risking to stroke out and then become a drooling mess unable to wipe her butt. Fear is a great motivator.

        Anyway, you’re in my prayers! Do keep us posted on how you’re doing! Keep on writing – I admire the fact you are writing while in the thick of such a tough time. That alone is inspiring and also indicates that you’ll get better. I honestly think so. Your followers are on your side. (((hugs))))

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  3. Very powerful post. I’ve had had experiences with depression myself. After I graduated from high school, I drifted away from everyone I knew apart from my family. I’ve been like that for years now, having trouble keeping friendships. It’s something that I’m working on, and I’ve taken up writing as a way to express how I feel. I started organizing all of my blog posts that deal with my depression ( http://soluble-fiber.com/living-with-depression/ if you are interested), and I found that this has helped me release what I would have otherwise bottled up. I would recommend writing to other people who suffer from depression. It doesn’t have to be as public as a website, it could be a private journal or diary, but it feels therapeutic.

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