Regrets

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In an effort to start over, I’ve already made yet another mistake. One I cannot unfortunately take back.

Once something happens, it just can’t un-happen.
Recently I did one of my signature dick moves.
Against all my inner thoughts and fears.
Against all the recommendations of people I talk too.
Against everything I’ve tried to correct.
I still fukked up
I went away for the weekend with my friend. The one from dinner.
I had hoped it could remain as it was, just with a bit of extra benefits. I was just plain stupid.
I knew I had feelings for her. I didn’t know how strong they were till we were alone.
In one single magical night I ruined my friendship.
I love/loved my wife, but that time is over.
This friend apparently I loved as well without even knowing it. When I held her close to me it was such an incredible feeling. It was that spark that I had forgotten existed.
I can’t believe how terrible this ended. I can’t believe that I was also in love with this woman and never really knew it.

I used to dream about her. I’d never share any of those dreams with anyone.
For the first time in all my posts, I have to admit that my dreams and feelings pushed past some realities.
The post on my birthday I wrote included items I internally had wished for. Some of it was a real event, but some also was me making more of something that wasn’t quite there…

I was a stupid, foolish child who rolled the dice in a chance that they would come up in my favor. Obviously they did not…

I’ve always hated myself. Never really had much good to say about me. And after all of this, I don’t feel much better.

In just two weeks I took what could have been either a great friendship. Or a potential whole other love and destroyed it.
I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, I know my manic ways were storming back with vengeance. But i thought I was stronger now. I thought I could contain the inner demon. The demon who takes what he wants and leaves nothing but despair behind.

This is one of those times the demon won.
Fuk I hate myself again…

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One response to “Regrets

  1. A difficult situation. Maybe talk to this friend about it and tell her you misread the signs and would like to go back to just being friends? We all make mistakes and it is how we handle those mistakes that partly defines who we are. Good luck.

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