Days going forward

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It’s a hard thing to end a relationship where you feel as though you put out your life’s feelings.
I’m approaching my second divorce. Not sure how much longer that is going to be until the paperwork is filed..

But my newest “friend”. The one I gave as much as I could to also ended things. Yesterday I posted I got dumped.

Which in terminology is partially correct:
dump/dumped
verb
– put down or abandon (something) hurriedly in order to make an escape.
informal
– abandon or desert (someone).

It was more of a forced hand that I had no control over. . Wanted to scream an yell.
To “stand in the corner and an scream”
But there was nobody to scream too. It all happened via text message.

I’ve officially crawled into my own hole of despair.
I’m obviously a still here, but made took an irrational moment that day. I could feel things building up to a fork.

It’s been since june, but I cut myself again Saturday. Also took a handful of sleeping pills and any other random pills I could find. Luckily I was dammed near out of everything. I emptied 3 bottles.

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And yet again, awoke the next day, kind u it was around noon or so. But my body pushed thru yet again.

This new found love I had. I had tons of support friends. Ones who said, stay as far away as possible. And other ones who said, of its love…can you chance missing out?

Maybe it’s a Leo’s pride, but if course I pushed thru all the hurdles. Jumped thru the hoops.

Started the lies

I cannot be told what to do. It’s just part of me. When I was told it was over I felt like there was nothing I could say that would change the situation. She’s a crazy stubborn woman, set in her ways. Once she’s decided, it’s gonna happen. I think she forgets I know this about her, so I just listened.

We weren’t in the wrong. Neither of us were with another, so we weren’t cheating on spouses. Just two single adults making decisions about life.

The “conversation” had come close a few times. We were in a very sticky situation,  and that’s the easy way of saying it.

I wanted to beg. I wanted to crawl. But she wasn’t here. Just me an my own demons.
So I just took the beating. How I’m such a good person, blah blah blah..

I’m simply this…a person who found a new love and lost it again

SDSD (old Steven Kind reference)

Today I entered my whole. Did my little contributions to the household, then escaped to my cave. Figured sleep was better than reality. The reality I may never see this woman again. May never talk to this woman again.

My heart can’t take much more. Its in so many pieces right now I don’t have enough super glue to put it back.  

Whoever said pain will ease with time is fukking stupid. It doesn’t ease, it festers. Building up until explosion on the next moron who gets in the way an decides to trigger me.

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4 responses to “Days going forward

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