Approaching Madness

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Completely different post than yesterday, but things are starting to compile and I can feel the pressure cooker building.

In the last month….

– I’ve been “informally” served my divorce paperwork
– Girlfriend broke things off with me (long story which I’m not going into)
– Fired from my job which I’ve been a manager at for eight years
– The lease of the house I’m staying at is up at the end of June
– My house has to be sold and proceeds split with my soon to be ex wife
– Lost health insurance so medications are now going to be an issue as well
– The outcome of both housing situations is probably going to end up with me and my roommates moving back into my house till it sells.
– The thought of moving into “my” house may just make me loose it all together

Ughhh

All I can think of right now is my brand new razor blade package sitting in my toolbox in the garage. It’s been since October since I cut last. Honestly I can’t even remember why I did then, just know it happened.
I’ve resisted the urges. Every time I sit down and have a cigarette I see them. I know that I don’t actually gain anything from doing it in a positive manner.

I feel on the verge of going batshit crazy. Either cutting myself to the point of no return or getting committed somewhere.

I’m lost and the path is disappearing right before my eyes.

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9 responses to “Approaching Madness

  1. The shite has hit the fan, friend. In more ways then one. I don’t want to give advice, but support. You are right: cutting isn’t going to make everything better, it will give you a sense of control over life that you feel you are losing. I am the same way with bulimia. Focus on the stuff you can control now (woops, that’s advice, sorry.) It’s a bloody mess right now, but it will get better – just hard to see through the mud of it all right now. Stay strong and know that your friends online support you and will not judge. Peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Honestly, it seems all of your ties have been broken, which is what my hold back is when I know I need to be in the hospital… Why not go in? A week, get stablized and prepare to walk out of there and take on all the bullshit like a lion.
    Better yet, a Siberian tiger. That’s my spirit animal, tenacious as fuck.

    But.., I don’t have the balls to go in to the hospital, so take that for what it is.

    Liked by 1 person

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