Staying afloat

I’m back as I promised myself I’d be. 

I’m struggling to keep my shit together. Just got home after having just a couple beers from a friend’s house. 

As I was about to exit the highway, I realized I was doing 120mph and aiming straight for a concrete pole. I watched it get closer and closer and at the last moment swerved away and slammed on my breaks. 

I briefly saw peace. A final end to my daily pains inside my head. I didn’t want to swerve. I wanted to hit it straight on so there’s no mistakes made. Kept my eyes open so I could steer straight. 

Maybe the vanity of ruining my new car stopped me. It’s already got a dent from the bar. 

I don’t know. I just know I’m teetering and I’m loosing my foothold and I’m getting a little scared. 

Had both my boss and teacher both ask me what is wrong. I’m not acting the same they said. They don’t know I’m bipolar. They don’t know what I’m dealing with right now in my life  and I can’t tell them. I can say it here because it’s safe. 

The last thing I want is anyone’s pity. That confused look you get when someone who is clueless as to real depression is vs being sad. 

Ugh, it does feel good to write again. I’m so tired. I want to sleep about a year. That should do it. 

Whoever is out there saving me time and time and time again, I guess thank you. Sometimes I wish you didn’t. Then there’s days like today that are actually a pretty good day. 

Odd how today was one of the better days I’ve had and I tried to drive into a pole? 

Oh well, I’m here. Yay. 

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7 responses to “Staying afloat

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