Another Missed Evening

So, I didn’t post the last few days. It’s been a difficult time. This was the first time I’ve seen my kids in a month since I was out of town for work so long. I talked to them Sunday evening on video. Then picked them up from school an got to hang out for a bit. Then had to leave. Now I’m with them again.
This is so damn hard. Every time I leave. Ever time I lock the door behind me. I cry just a little harder.
It’s odd. I want to think at some point I’ll feel better. That seeing them will be a great time. And it is a great time. But leaving my family kills me.

Next week should prove to be even worse yet. We all as a family would plan camping trips. Since my mother in law passed away a few years ago we haven’t since. It just didn’t feel right. Well time passed and now it was time for all of the family to get together again.
Well everyone but me. This is my first not going time. My son kinda cried today when he asked why I wasn’t going. I didn’t know what to tell him. I said I just couldn’t. I can’t say, man I fucked up and your mom is still pissed off at me and just doesn’t want me there.
So…just another nail in my head. Another razor in my heart. Another cut to be planned on myself. I’m sure I’ll be busy that weekend. Fuck.

Well I gotta run. I can’t sit here an cry like a punk while I’m waiting for my daughter. I’m sure the dentist wouldn’t appreciate it.

😥