Lost

You would like to think at some point over the years of learning about issues I face on a day to day basis that I would have come to an understanding by now.

But fuck, I still just don’t get it?

One thing I do know is that when I drink a lot, things get all out of whack.

I have a hard enough time controlling myself and emotions just on an every day basis. But when I get drunk all shit hits the fan and nothing is safe.

Friday I had a wonderful morning. All the way up till I started work. Then it came the shit. One hit after another up until it was time to go home.

And how do I deal with my problems? I drink. Well I drank more than. Normal…quite a bit more than normal.

So much I had to leave a bit early for fears of getting out of control at the bar.

And as the wisest thing I could do at that point, got in my car an started driving. I didn’t want to go home. I sent my friend like 5 messages begging to just come over. She was already asleep.
Finally I called in hopes she would wake up. Luckily she did as I’m not sure what would have happened if she didn’t.

I made it there, still not sure how. As always, she was ready for sex. But I couldn’t bring myself to it.
A lot of that point is a bit blurry, just told how I was acting.
What I remember is laying down and just plain losing it. Uncontrollable tears.

Not sure why at this point, but I have a general idea.
She has a lot stronger feelings for me than I’m willing to allow. I’ve pushed her back, and she respects my choices.
But I cant.

I can’t remember the last time I stood on my own two feet.
I want to allow things to happen, but knowing my past I’ll fuck things up just like I always do.

Why must I feel this way?

I just want to be able to wake up one fukking time and not have to roll the dice to see how my day is going to be.

I’m so lost. I’ve gotten so many recommendations as to how to proceed forward. It’s a lot easier said than done.

I’m just tired of being me